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Noisey

We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 23

You're all on timeout after this one.

by Kristin Corry, Kim Kelly, and Jabbari Weekes
Sep 19 2018, 5:34pm

Photos via Twitter

Every month or so, a few staff members here at Noisey uphold the tradition of reviewing literally whatever you send us. Sometimes, we're presented with a couple of promising up-and-coming artists, other times, it's just a bunch of nerd shit. But for the latest installment, our submissions were in rare form. There are some failed nudes, some questionable art, and there was even some music—big shocker there. Yesterday's call for submissions was an eye-opener. Please send each other more nudes, so you don't have to send them to us.

Noisey staffers Kristin Corry, Kim Kelly, and Jabbari Weekes braved the internet on a random Tuesday and this is what happened. We had to see this, so you all have to, too.

Kim: Nerds need love, too.
Kristin: The nudes absolutely no one asked for.
Jabbari: Off rip, I can tell you're a Phantom Menace fan.

Kim: Damn, that was impressive. I don’t have anything snarky to say and appreciate your analysis of the inequities of wealth distribution under capitalism.
Kristin: I really wanted to judge you for this Rick and Morty avatar, but this is hella impressive and way better than the traffic freestyle from Malibu’s Most Wanted.
Jabbari: Lil Reese did this seven years ago so I’ll pass. Reduce Gas emissions!

Kim: Eesh.
Kristin: At least the skits are good. But your accent on the songs seems sort of… unnatural?
Jabbari: *Presses play in horror, refers to Sharine to best articulate my feelings*
Sharine: “There’s a beginning and there’s an end.”
Kristin: As the resident Jamaican on this panel… that was a cop-out Jabbari.
Jabbari: Finding an easy way out is an inherent part of the male Caribbean experience.

Kim: I’m not about to be bossed around by a poorly-drawn meme.
Kristin: I feel you, but nah. Animals are friends and food.
Jabbari: At the tender age of of ten, I was at my uncle’s farm where I fed a piece of baked chicken to an actual chicken. The chicken ate it. Take from this what you will.

Kim: Delete this.
Kristin: What the hell did I just watch? “It takes time to touch my butt.” It takes consent, too. Be blessed.
Jabbari: It’s 2018, we onto ‘Bussy Soap’ now.

Kim: I thought we were done with Pokemon Go.
Kristin: Judging you solely on the fact that THIS is the Usher song you chose.
Jabbari: One day we gonna talk about the dark rise of size inclusivity Sonic the Hedgehog. But for right now, your two couch set up needs to go.

Kim: This guy raps like he sucks in bed. Sorry honey.
Kristin: I gotta be honest… If someone sent me this to recruit me for cuffing season I would leave them on read.
Jabbari: This XXYYXX sample only highlighting how poor this woman’s form is. I like the “Cerberus” bar tho.

Kim: Good boy.
Kristin: Your dog is cooler than Hunter S Thompson.
Jabbari: I hate when sunglasses sit asymmetrically on people’s faces.

Kim: It’s actually “magus.”
Kristin: *hits blunt* I think.. you’re right?
Jabbari: I enjoyed this.

Kim: He looks like he’d get along with my grandpa, A+.
Kristin: Grandpa lit!
Jabbari: He looks like a good yute.

Kim: The fuck is going on in France?
Kristin: Why are y’all like this?
Jabbari: You swiped this from Toilets With Threatening Auras. Swagger Jacker.
Kristin: Why do you even know what that is, Jabbari? Judging you.
Jabbari: Healthy seating arrangements on toilets are very important to me. Ain’t trying to get hemorrhoids out herr.

Kim: Whoosh, over my head
Kristin: LMAOASKDDJMSLKD!
Jabbari: Okay dis funny as shit.

Kim: 10/10, would chop up and incorporate into a bitchin’ stir-fry
Jabbari: Why does this look like a broom? Keep this witchcraft away from me

Kim: I’m calling your mother.
Kristin: Y’all some sick ass individuals.
Jabbari: I see your nasty and raise it with my own.

Kim: Not his finest sweater moment but still Daddy af.
Kristin: We love Jeff here. Did y’all hear he was almost cut out of Jurassic Park? Imagine.
Jabbari: No word of a lie, I think all of y’all lying about how sexy he is. He like a salt and pepper haired James Woods to me.
Kristin: Well, that’s why we didn’t ask you for all that Jabbari. Stay out of grown women’s business.

Kim: What is this nerd shit? Read a real book.
Kristin: I don’t like shit like this lol.
Jabbari: What perturbs me is that the upcoming Venom film exists without the inclusion of Spider-Man and is being developed by the studio who single-handedly drove the IP off a cliff.

Kim: Monotonous flow but I support your journey.
Kristin: I hear your story. I hope everything works out for you!
Jabbari: I wasn’t ready for this energy.

Kim: Downers are boring, my dude. You wanna impress me, blast some PCP and fight a cop.
Kristin: Production is a liiiiittle cluttered for my taste, but you almost forget that toward the end.
Jabbari: I’m tired of hearing songs about Xans, let’s start rapping about Terrestrial Scripture. “The city clerk quieted the crowd and said: “Fellow Ephesians, doesn’t all the world know that the city of Ephesus is the guardian of the temple of the great Artemis and of her image, which fell from heaven?” - Acts 19:35

Kim: Chaos reigns!
Kristin: Damn, link us with the full movie.
Jabbari: “They come from faraway lands, from the ends of the heavens—the LORD and the weapons of his wrath—to destroy the whole country” - Isaiah 13:5

Kim: Is this an advert for an evil wig?
Kristin: ?
Jabbari: Tory Lanez forehead is vexed.

Kim: Sounds like angry toilet bees.
Kristin: Whenever I hear a faucet dripping, I think about the fact that not enough people have dealt with the wrath of hearing their mom ask “Why is my water still running?” I can’t listen past the intro. This is triggering. I’m sorry.
Jabbari: The best thing I’ve heard all day.

Kim: Digging the blue chiaroscuro but your guy there has a serious case of Trump face.
Kristin: It’s great, but you bought this? With actual money? To put where?
Jabbari: 10 years from now this will still be a prized possession and when you invite guests over to look at it they’ll think it’s a still from Fraser.

Kim: Powerful.
Kristin: Nice pants, I guess.
Jabbari: His team lost ball possession because he stands like he’s on a rocking bench.

Kim: Your bike is a fine bike but let’s talk about that fuckin’ scenery! 10/10
Kristin: Nice bike and shoutout to you for caring about the environment.
Jabbari: This is pure Canadian content.

Kim: I will not.
Kristin: Cool, but Soul Train though.
Jabbari: YO THEY GETTING IT AT THE 11 MINUTE MARK. Okay, now they’re offbeat again.

Kim: All Cats Are Beautiful ;)
Kristin: They’re iight. But I stand firmly on the fact that cats ain’t it.
Jabbari: I feel like cats are the new babies. Everyone feels theirs is this special brand of cute when they all look exactly the same and ugly. Talk to me when y'all get an Ocelot.
Kim: Jabbari, you’re a monster.