Tom Brady Is Happy Trump Won Because He's a Crazy Robot Programmed to Enjoy Success

Throughout the presidential campaign, Tom Brady supported Donald Trump, at least to the extent that he owns one of those goofy hats. The New England Patriots quarterback never really got into why he backed the Donald, outside of they're golfing buddies and he once got to judge a beauty pageant. It certainly didn't seem to be politically motivated like say Cubs hurler Jake Arietta, who encouraged "Hollywood" to "pony up and head for the border." (Whatever the hell that means, Schill-Dog loves it.) Brady said nothing of note, but because he's the best quarterback in the NFL, his bland "Trump's a good friend of mine" shtick caught a lot of scrutiny.

At a press conference this morning, Brady finally opened up about why he is excited to have Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States. In a Charlie Sheen word, winning.

Zack Cox of NESN relayed Brady's deep thoughts.

"I'm always, I think, a very positive person. Think these are certain times for our country where there's always change and transition, and it happens, obviously, with the presidents every four years or so. And I think I'm always happy when people experience success. I was happy when President (Bill) Clinton won. I was happen when Barack Obama won twice. When President (George W.) Bush. I think it's all competition. I was happy when the Cubs won, even though I'm not a Cubs fan. I was happy when the Cavaliers won."

Winners make Tommy happy. He likey the winners. Go on.

"I think just as athlete, you realize that a lot of people put a lot of things into competition, and when people go at it, you have respect for whatever outcomes there are. And I think one thing that's been a hallmark of our team is we've never finished games and then blamed other people. You always give respect to your opponent and try to do better the next time."

Brady's politics are that he loves winners, even if he isn't a fan of the team that won, and that's true for both the NBA Finals and the future of our democratic republic. It's all the competition. Poverty, education, economic opportunity, climate change, racism, sexism, nationalism, nuclear war codes, all about the competition.

Apparently, the bland thoughts of a talking cyborg were enough to get a reprimand from the wife. Gisele has spoken.

"Talk to my wife, she said I can't talk about politics anymore," Brady said. "I think that's a good decision made for our family."

We concur.