Photo via Youtube For the past year, Canadians have been watching one of the best guilty pleasure, American-made programs to date. It's a shocking satire about an orange pig named Trump yelling at an old lady. The show is called The 2016 American Election. Recently, we were shocked to find out this is not a work of fiction and is the reality of politics south of the border.

The US has always been Canada's cool older sibling, but now it is the sibling whose Facebook status is permanently set to "Feeling like my shit is fucked the fuck up." We understand the difficulties of this election, America. The candidates were not ideal. In Canada, we have a saying I just made up that goes, "You must choose between the beaver or the bear." Clinton was, of course, the beaver in this case: shifty and potentially destructive if left to its own devices. That makes Trump the bear, which will eat you alive from the legs up, as your screams only intensify its hunger for sweet organ meat. It was a tough choice! The only alternative is to come live in Canada.

Of course, our country has a rich culture you'll need to learn, and Noisey Canada is politely here to help. Sorry! For starters, Canadian singer Céline Dion invented music in 1992 for something to do in between hockey periods. That's a true fact. We then discovered music is good for other things like escaping harsh realities and heightening sexual arousal. Both of those things are now the responsibility of our Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. Either way, you'll need to know about Canadian music and below is a friendly list of our most important songs.

Canada has several official national anthems: the English version, the French version, and the Body Break jingle. Body Break is a series of exercise and health commercials featuring power couple and ageless time travelers, Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod. Their catchphrases are "Keep fit and have fun" and the lesser known "Bran smoothies up yo bitch ass." These words are beloved staples of Canadian popular culture. Body Break was originally funded by our government sometime in the 90s as a show of military strength.

Hopefully, you will cross the Canadian border before the completion of the impenetrable wall that will no doubt divide our countries after this election. During your crossing, if you happen to get stopped by a Canadian border guard over the age of 40, just work Rush into the conversation and you'll be fine. For example: "Hello officer. You ask why I have so many guns and Flamin Hot Cheetos in my trunk? Because, as an American, those things are 'Closer to the Heart!' Maybe next time I should 'Fly by Night' or get 'A Passage to Bangkok!'" If you charm enough Baby Boomers like that, you're guaranteed to land an unpaid federal internship after a few degrees.

Justin Bieber is what happens when a Canadian moves to America and is raised by a pack of wild Versace cologne commercials. Justin Bieber is a woodland creature from Stratford, Ontario. Justin Bieber represents what every white Canadian boy aspires to when they unironically dab, whip, or crank that. We are proud of 'The Bieb' and everything he has accomplished. When he pissed in that mop bucket several years ago, that was his declaration, literally and metaphorically, of what it takes to be #1. His image switch from good boy to spoiled brat boy to handsome boy and on and on is the engine that keeps our country running. Speaking of which…

Drake is the greatest part of Canada. Compared to Drake, other Canadian things ain't shit. All other Canadian music ain't shit. Canadian artists in any genre ain't shit. Astronaut Chris Hadfield ain't shit. Justin Trudeau ain't shit. Maple syrup ain't shit. Poutine ain't shit. The provinces and territories ain't shit. Universal healthcare ain't shit. The Canadian flag ain't shit. Natural resource exports such as oil and gas, precious gems, and aluminum ain't shit. Moose ain't shit. Nova Scotia-based inventor Alexander Graham Bell ain't shit. Canada's first female astronaut Roberta Bondar ain't shit. Your hopes and dreams ain't shit. Not compared to Drake, according to people from Toronto.

Drake ain't shit compared to this.

Aaaaand dad jokes: The song "Can't Feel My Face" is actually about winters in Saskatchewan. "Love Me Harder" is what Justin Trudeau sings to Obama every day. "Starboy" is the song our celebrity Prime Minister's sings to himself every other day.  The Weeknd is the most Canadian person on this list because he is a fiend for snow. Snow .

Carly Rae Jepsen is the girl next door, if you were neighbours with the 1980s, and she were robbing the place. Jepsen was recently nominated for the Polaris Prize, but unfortunately she didn't win. Many Americans reading this don't know what the Polaris Prize is, and that's okay because most Canadians don't know either.

Just… Just watch this shit.

Devin Pacholik never puts it in his mouth. Follow him on Twitter .