The Shit TV Guide

I’m in school right now, which means I have a lot of free time on my hands. So, I watch a lot of TV. I actually use that "Favorite" thing where you can just surf the channels you like, I don’t know anyone else who uses that. Anyway, the point is I know my way around the televisual backwaters. None of that skanky TV Guide shit for me: I’m talking real people with real budgets, and no production values whatsoever.

DAY TIME BABESTATION (channels 900+)

As it's daytime, they have to fall-in with OFCOM regulations, which basically limits the Babes to aimlessly bending and shaking before the SFW money shot drops as they dry hump the fuck out of brightly-coloured pillows. More entertaining than all the high street honeys though, are the blatant crazies who call in who, presumably crippled by the insanity of their own mean boners are barely able to talk on the phone. You can tell when someone's called in and asked for an "air wank," because the girls do a screwface or pretend to suck their phones off. Either the internet isn't nearly as big as we thought, or there must be a Onanism National Trust keeping this stuff alive.

HITLER, NOLLYWOOD MOVIES (channel 329)

I can't actually pick a favorite from this channel because I can't remember any of their titles. I haven't actually watched the one above either, but I think it's safe for me to presume there's a bit of something for everyone in this. After all, it seems to me that all Nollywood hits have a good vs evil plot, which is stolen, and all the bad guys are called Hitler. Be warned though, I think this channel just became subscription based, probably so they can buy a boom mic.

THE RICHPLANET STARSHIP, CONTROVERSIAL TV (channel 200)

This clip is funnier than the one above. Unfortunately THE MAN doesn't want it being embedded anywhere. Anyway, this comes on Controversial TV on Thursdays at 6:00pm and it's a pretty tepid watch to be honest with you. The point of interest here is the show's setting--a fake spaceship. It all seems pretty needless and embarrassing as the guests make whimsical comments about the journey up and frankly, if I were on a crusade to liberate the secrets of The Illuminati, I'd want to be taken a little more seriously.

ENDLESS PRANK CALLS, GOD CHANNEL (channel 580)

These are great because they're about as close as you can get to a real life PRIEST CHATBACK. God Channel and Revelation are usually the most targeted by telephone bullies, simply because stoners hate Jesus. The best bit is the post-prank passive-aggressive babble they come out with after like "I'M GONNA PRAY THE SHIT OUT YOU, MATE."