WIDOWSPEAKGLOBAL NOIZECEREBRAL BALLZYWILD FLAGLateef is mostly known for guest spots on DJ Shadow and Fatboy Slim songs, but his solo stuff comes off kinda clunky, with eclectic beats and socially conscious couplets mixed in to keep things semi-interesting. Truthspeaker’s parents were Black Panthers, so at this point I’m just gonna smile sheepishly and back slowly away from the rest of this review.WILLY BALLOONSDAS RACISTRelaxGreedheadSPANK ROCKEverything Is Boring and Everyone Is a Fucking LiarBad BloodIt’s hard not to love this guy. About half the tracks are bangers in the rap-songs-that-are-fun-to-dance-to genre, and they each feel like they were carefully picked so that Spank Rock could appeal to as many people as possible. There’s some classic B-more style songs with dirty sex lyrics for when you’re grinding with some gross stranger at a dark club, and then there’s some others that are more like Scissor Sisters-style disco tracks for girls who don’t like it when the lyrics to a song are just “The pussy pussy… puzzy… pussypussypussy!”CRANK SPOCKI remember seeing these guys’ “Chicken and Meat” video and thinking, “Hahaha, joke raps!” But it turned out the rap joke was on me because the next thing, they’re hanging out inside the pages of theNew Yorkerwith Roz Chast cartoons and that angry-looking dog they put on that t-shirt and then those uptight goons at Pitchfork declared them geniuses. I really only knew about their early stuff and would see them around and think, “I should go rapidshit their albums some day.” But I never did and now I’m hearing one of the best rap records I've ever heard and I feel like I wasted the last few years. From start to finish this album is as fun and funny as I had hoped Spank Rock’s new record would be. You’ll be dancing with serious face in the cloob and then shoot your drink out your nose when you hear the lyrics.BUFORD JIZZMOPPERA lot of people have wondered how the second real Neon Indian record would sound. The answer is that it’s pretty. I think this is the kind of record I’ll enjoy when I’m not hunting for hits and trying to find clever things to say. It’s certainly a smoother, more produced album than their first, but I like rough sounds, so while it’s not a plus for me it does make the album more likely to be used for soundtracks and commercials.NICK GAZINLADYTRONGravity the SeducerNettwerkListening to Ladytron’s new album is like hearing your parents retell the same story every Thanksgiving. We get it, I thought my poop was shaped like a dolphin. And I pronounced it “doffin.” Hardy-har-fucking-har. Now will you leave my new girlfriend alone and chill the fuck out on the sawtooth already?AURORA MONTGOMERYSALLY PARADISEAouu!Jeunesse CosmiqueBALAM ACABWander/WonderTri AngleThis new Balam Acab is a Grade A trip. Alec Koone goes heavy on loops and samples, distorting his voice to helium-huffing-chipmunk levels on almost every song. Listen to “Oh Why” and suddenly you’re in an echoing cave, floating in bubbling bong water with mermaids and sea monkeys. Then you hear the sex-ooze jam “Motion” and it’s like you’re horny, but too lazy to drag your ass over to the computer. You really just want some BBQ Pringles. Huh? Did I just say something out loud?JENNIFER DOUGHNUTSCOM TRUISEGalactic MeltGhostly InternationalWhen you put this on you feel like you’re traveling at a stoned snail’s pace through a bright and shining future world where everything is nonthreatening, but a little sad. The first song’s called “Terminal” and it’s like something you’d hear while waiting in line to ride Star Tours at Disneyland. Shame about that holocaust of a name.KICHOLE NIDMANHave you heard the new Radiohead album? It’s great. Well, if you like Radiohead. I fuckinglooooovedRadiohead in high school. They were like my Zep. Kind of fell off afterHail to the Thief.I mean, I fell off, not the band. They stayed strong, I was just in a different headspace. Did get a little proggy though. Think I heard stuff off that free one,In Rainbows, that kind of sounded like the Alan Parsons Project. Anyways, the new one’s good. Still kind of doing that weird jazzy electronica thing, but it’s more toned-down. I can’t remember if we trashed it here or not—possible we didn’t even review it. And I guessAouu!is what it might have sounded like if Radiohead were a 20-year-old French Canadian girl who has a lot of Asian friends.TAD GERKWILD FLAGS/TMergeMy boner for this album is so rock hard that not even firsthand knowledge that one of the ladies in Wild Flag is a major crotch could tame it. Every song here is sticky and rough, like a summer-camp finger-bang. Mary Timony (formerly of Helium) wins the prize for best song with “Something Came Over Me,” which is so good it makes me fantasize about the crowd at a WF show ripping their reusable period cups from their bodies and toasting a job well done.SNEEDLY RUNKLECEREBRAL BALLZYS/TWilliams StreetWhoa, what happened? When these guys started out they sounded like early-80s hardcore, but then they went on a few European tours and came back playing double-speed. Lots of good songs on here if you’re angry and like to party, especially “Cutting Class” and “Puke Song.”MACIN’ JASONBLITZEN TRAPPERAmerican GoldwingSub PopGod bless America: Is there anything more hackneyed than a folk album about missing your hometown and the girl that got away? I enjoyed contemplating the lyrics to their 2008 single “Furr” when I was high on shitty weed brownies in college, but this makes me want to dress up like a scarecrow and crucify myself in a cornfield with my ears covered in molasses so birds pick them off and I never have to risk hearing anything like this ever, ever again.ALABAMA WORLEYSOCIAL CLIMBERSS/TDrag CityThis album is a rerelease of the Climbers’ 1981 LP on Hoboken Records, and it encapsulates the era nicely: straight-up New York no wave, brimming with minimalist DIY sensibility. It’s too bad the guy sings like some kind of lo-fi Michael Bolton, but he’s only on like three songs, so no big.BLONDE CAMEROKING LOUIE’S MISSING MONUMENTSPainted WhiteDouchemasterKing Louie Bankston is that guy who’s in every fucking garage band in your town, only in this case your town includes most of the continental US. He was one of the main dudes from Memphis’s Royal Pendletons, he was briefly in the Exploding Hearts (RIP), he was—eh, fuck it, those are the big ones. You can google the rest. His Missing Monuments stuff is polished Nick Lowe-y power pop played by four unpolished young men who have already used up all their drink tickets and made at least one pass at somebody’s sister.JUDGE DORKUSIt’s really amazing that there are so many painfully horrible songs in the world, considering how easy bands like this make crafting an extremely enjoyable, bullshit-free song look. Bleached is the new project of Jessie and Jennifer Clavin, formerly of Mika Miko, and something about their music also REALLY makes me want a jean jacket.AVERY NETTLETHE PACK A.D.UnpersonsMintI understand that being lesbians is a good career move, but every song from this album sounds like a segue between acts of freewheelin’ lesbo debauchery. Is thisThe L Wordsoundtrack?BLONDE CAMEROTHE EX-BOOGEYMENMasters of CeremonyChurch of BoogeyOne time the goth kid who sings for this band tied my limbs to bedposts with burlap straps and force-fed me fake-blood Jello shots made of Karo syrup. It got me all jonesed up for the main course, which of course was cocaine-stuffed roasted garlic. We hung strands of it from our necks and snorted out the cloves while hanging upside down from the rafters of the attic of the Future House in Gainesville. Then he ate my asshole.THE VAMPIRE LESHATNURSESDraculaDead OceansThe press release for this said something about Prince. Now I can’t get that reference out of my head. This doesn’t sound like Prince, but I can see Prince listening to this—you know, trying to ease himself back into the real world of crystal penis goblets and tailored white suits with hoods. There’s great songwriting here—smart, knowing when to be minimal and when to be ethereal—and unlike other dude bands from Portland that utilize electronic ambience and heavy reverb, I don’t feel bad for their girlfriends.LOWMOAN SPECTACULARTWIN SISTERIn HeavenDominoIf music in heaven sounds anything like an eighth-grade jazz band, I’ll have no part in it. This reminds me of a girl named Emily who had a crush on me when we were teens. She was awkward and made poor style choices. She tried to kiss me once between classes in the hallway and I denied her. She’s a major babe now and I bet she’d love this album.BILLY HUNTERTHIS FRONTIER NEEDS HEROESThe FutureHeroic EndeavoursSomehow you believe a band a little more when its members are related, and especially with folk. It allows you to think they were both raised out in the wilderness and can simultaneously bust out a campfire jam and fashion a double overhand knot if you need one for your river raft.BOBBY HANSENWIDOWSPEAKS/TCaptured TracksI love Widowspeak so much. They make wildly beautiful music. There’s a Stevie Nicks-looking girl playing acoustic guitar and singing while a George Harrison-looking guy plays electric guitar and a handsome man who doesn’t look like a celebrity plays a two-piece drum set. Some people think they sound like Mazzy Star, but Mazzy Star never made me feel like I was chasing Laura Palmer through the woods on the last night of her life.DUDECHATXIU XIUFuck the PolicePolyvinylMILAGRESGlowing MouthKill Rock StarsAt this point I’d say that farting brittle, overproduced men’s music into the media cloud is 1,000 percent more offensive than littering. If you want to be a bunch of nice, friendly guys who make money and have cute dogs, get jobs at nonprofits and play weekend gigs in town. You’re fucking the earth by touring this bullshit.LALA BUHHTORO Y MOIFreaking OutCarparkOne time I was shaving my legs in the shower and I slipped, knocked my chin on the side of the tub, and passed out. While under, I dreamed that I was at a roller-skating rink showing off my flawless backward skate moves until being called over to the snack stand via intercom and informed that I had been awarded a plate of free nachos because I was so good looking. This album, in all its bubble pops and awky electro, is like those dream nachos—a pile of cheesy, hot whatever, but still pretty fucking good.MATILDA FUCKLESSTILL CORNERSCreatures of an HourSub PopImagine the starving girl fromFlowers in the Atticlooking all unhinged—hot tar in her hair, powdered sugar all over her face from mean grandma’s arsenic doughnuts. She sings in this breathy voice while staring out a tiny window, dreaming about screwing her brother again. Add spooky organs, 60s girl-group drums, and voilà! Still Corners. Take the album’s opening track, “Cuckoo”: “It’s like we’re going cuckoo/ Me and you/ Stuck in a time machine/ That was just a dream.” No, actually you’re stuck in an attic fucking your brother on a filthy mattress while your grandma’s watching through a peephole.JENNIFER DOUGHNUTSAMEN DUNESThrough Donkey JawSacred BonesI recently moved to LA to be in love forever with a girl I’ve known since MySpace, but she keeps fucking someone else. The first time I listened toThrough Donkey Jawwas the night I first saw the other girl’s Facebook profile. And she was pretty hot. The delicious production of this record ushered me toward a meditative state, and the psychedelic subtleties in each track consistently fascinated until I was enveloped in the fog of a dense, ominous world where I no longer cared about cheating-ass bitches. Listen to it high.BLONDE CAMEROMaybe I’m not as sad as I used to be, but nothing about this adds up. First there’s the tinny and disharmonious “Daphny,” full of frantic yelling, and then, God help us, a cover of Rihanna’s “Only Girl (In the World)” in which James Stewart reminds us he’s a tortured gay man. Well, I’m not having it. Why can’t you sing NICE once in a while, buddy?BLONDE CAMEROWE YES BLOODThe Outside RoomNot Not FunShow posters have been selling Weyes Blood as “ex-Jackie-O Motherfucker” and “former Axolotl collaborator” for like five years now, which is sucky and myopic for the obvious/direct reasons, but especially as a description of what’s holding this girl back. When Weyes Blood sheds the “secret American basements” and “Baltimore mysticism” signifiers and just records the way she rips live, everyone’s gonna FLIP.GRUMPY NAPKINSTEVE REICHWTC 9/11 / Mallet Quartet / Dance PatternsNonesuchSteve always struck me as the least pretentious of the big minimalists. Unfortunately this means he dresses like Paul Simon instead of a forest wizard, but it also means that when he tackles high-concept ideas like the World Trade Center attacks it ends up being subtle and genuinely thought-provoking instead of some weird orchestral Laibach shit (coughPhilipGlasscough). This is a three-part sound collage made of radio recordings of first responders in the WTC and their dispatchers freaking out at one another over quiet string parts that match the tenor of their voices. Spoooooky shit. Though I was sleeping off a hangover through most of 9/11 (and I swear to God at one point one of the firefighters says, “I’m so horny I can’t breathe”), I can only imagine it’s as awful and soul-shaking as that morning would have been if I’d gotten out of bed. Kind of weird to put this on the same record as a freaking “mallet quartet,” though.LEROY GUMPTIONRUSSIAN TSARLAGClassic DogControl BoothNot Not FunIt sounds like he’s not even trying on this one, which is fine. Since his releases are all put out in unadvertised batches of 150 via American dungeon labels, it seems more than fair to king-Smiley them all in aggregate beside the heaps of other pro-level, well-funded bullshit I listen to for this reviews column. Tsarlag is the No. 1 downer freak songwriter working in the English language. Amen.LITTLE LOCKYVARIOUS ARTISTSThe Secret Museum of Mankind: Central Asia Ethnic Music Classics: 1925-48YazooWeird ethnographic records serve two basic purposes in the world of white kids: fodder for poorly attended DJ nights and looking great leaned against the shelf your turntable is on when you invite a girl back to your apartment. This guy knocks it out of the park from both bases. There are two discs full of Kazakh throat-singing that’ll clear a bar faster than the German version of “I Want to Hold Your Hand,” and the back cover is a postcard of a toothless Tatar with some sort of Azeri flute over Cyrillic writing. Get ready to get laid so fast your dick’ll be like “[Amos ’n’ Andyvoice] Who da-do wut now?”RACISMGLOBAL NOIZEPrayer for the PlanetLightyear/EMIJesus, where to begin with this. The title? The semi-tribal seashell guy holding the torch on the cover (which continues into the gatefold like a post-Burning Man, watercolorZoSo)? The Belle and Sebastian-length environmental diatribe on the back cover from the editor of soul-patrol.com? Wait, no no no no no no no no no no, let’s start with the fact that this is a completely earnest coffee-shop-jazz release by three adults in the year 2011 including songs titled “Cosmic Hug” and “Charismalove.” How the hell is this for real? Did these people never watchKids in the Hall? Do they live in a town without mirrors? Either the label reps at Lightyear Entertainment are the most secretly hilarious people of all time or God finally decided it was time to give me definitive proof of his existence.EDGAR H. MACYMARC MARONThis Has to Be FunnyComedy CentralI almost don’t think it’s fair to call Marc Maron a comedian at this point. He’s more of a miserian. Hearing him go into graphic detail about his dad issues and neighbor-upsetting screaming matches with his girlfriendisactually funny, but it’s less funny ha-ha than funny this-is-awful. Ditto most of the comedians he interviews on hisWTFpodcast—hilarious men semi-hilariously deconstructing the lowest moments in their horrible lives. I’m not sure I even laugh at half the episodes. I just listen to them quietly nodding and makingtsk-tskclucks. It’s like he’s comedy church.TERRY HAND
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