College Football Has a 350-Pound Trophy for the Best Offensive Line

This is the season of college football awards, which means this is also the silliest time of the college football season. Awards, ranging from All-America teams to the award for the best punter, do not actually reward the best players in the country. As a former award voter, I will tell you how this voting goes:

"Who was the second best offensive guard in the Big Ten?"

"I don't know any offensive guards in the Big Ten."

"Well, Michigan was good. Who's their [rolls dice] right guard?"

[Googles]

"Kyle Kalis! Him. He is First Team All-Big Ten."

In general, awards are dumb. Ask Ron Swanson.

But! I have found the one good award in college football: The Joe Moore Award, which goes to the nation's best offensive line.

This is a good award for a few obvious reasons:

• As aforementioned, most award voters have no clue who the best offensive linemen actually are, but it's easier to tell who the best offensive lines are.
• Something something about team awards and not individual ones.
• It looks pretty cool.

But read the fine print, and the Joe Moore Award gets even better:

The bronze trophy weighs in at the size of a large lineman – about 350 pounds – and is five feet wide by four feet tall.

IT WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS! THEY MADE IT THE SIZE OF AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN ON PURPOSE!

So let me amend my original thesis: Awards are dumb, unless the trophy weighs 350 pounds. Those awards are very, very good.