Shanahan's Latest Gut Job Sets Leafs up for Jackpot

This article originally appeared on VICE Sports Canada.

Brendan Shanahan bought a house two years ago. It was a real fixer-upper. The blue paint was faded and the neighbourhood kids had smeared feces along the side of the building. It didn't look like much but Shanahan saw something in the property and was happy to take it off the hands of Dave Nonis.

The thing the former owner didn't mention was just how dilapidated the property was. From the outside, it was clear a lot of work was needed, but it wasn't until Shanahan got inside the house did he realize the amount of renovation that would be required to make it livable.

The foundation was rotted and the wiring was outdated and dangerous to the structure. Is that a dead body in the kitchen? No, that's just Phil Kessel sleeping on the floor. Why does it smell like vomit in all the rooms? And how did the kids get inside to smear feces on the walls? What is this area's fascination with smearing feces everywhere?

Shanahan had no choice. He wasn't equipped to handle such a project on his own. He summoned young contractor Kyle Dubas to install new wiring and veteran construction magnate Lou Lamoriello to get the house on a new foundation. This wasn't going to be a simple flip and Shanahan needed the best people available to turn this feces-covered house into a home.

Yeah, Nonis was still living in the house but it took a little while to get his name off the mortgage.

Shanahan scraped Kessel off the linoleum and sent him to a building in Pittsburgh; he tore the David Clarkson garbage disposal out of the wall and sent it to a landfill in Ohio, and with the extraction and shipping of Dion Phaneuf to Ottawa as part of a nine-piece swap that brought traffic cone art installation Jared Cowen to Toronto on Tuesday, all of the overpriced amenities and unsightly decorations Nonis insisted the house needed have been redistributed throughout North America.

This is now Shanahan's house. It took him nearly two years to gut it—getting rid of that ingrained feces smell is harder than you'd think—but he finally has a place of his own.

After two years of renting furniture, sampling swatches and making sure the house met minimum building code standards, Shanahan is ready to adorn the home with more permanent, luxury fixtures. He's getting closer to a housewarming where he can show it off to his friends that laughed when he bought it.

Yeah, he needs to hang a self-portrait over the Joffrey Lupul contract, but it's time to do some much-needed shopping.

Money will be no object for Shanahan during the 2016 offseason. He will be able to make it rain as he walks through his local Pottery Barn in July. New couch? Two end tables? Dresser drawers? Perhaps the construction of a walk-in closet?

Shanahan can buy whatever he wants. You know who else was once in that position? Dave Nonis.

They weren't all unrestricted free agents, but Nonis dumped millions of dollars in front of Kessel, Phaneuf and Clarkson. It was the type of reckless spending that mirrored what Joey did on Friends when he got his own place and filled it with ceramic animals. Much like Nonis, Joey eventually went broke and watched his prized possessions make their way into the hands of new owners.

Is Steven Stamkos the ceramic dog of Shanahan's immediate future?

It can't be overstated the amount of money that will be available for Shanahan to spend this summer. He could walk into any hot tub distributor and say, "I'd like you to install a Jacuzzi in every room of my house and I swear to God if they're not gold-plated, I'll have your ass."

The temptation will be there for Shanahan to compensate for years of having a home in the neighbourhood that stinks of poop. It's only human nature to want to please the people in your area with a gigantic pool party that features barbecued delicacies and a pony for the kids. But here's the thing—that pony is going to crap everywhere. (The pony in this metaphor that went off the rails five paragraphs ago is Cam Ward.)

With the house cleared, Stamkos wouldn't be a cosmetic purchase designed to appease the neighbours; he'd be the new foundation that replaces the one jackhammered into oblivion by Shanahan, Lamoriello and Dubas. He's a top-of-the-line boiler that will keep the house warm and toasty for seven years. He's the type of addition every homeowner craves and Shanahan is in perfect position to get one.

It wouldn't hurt if Shanahan got a Keith Yandle for the backyard as well, a swing set kids like Morgan Rielly and Jake Gardiner could play with as they grow. No matter what happens, the extraction of Phaneuf signals the end of the time period in which Shanahan can say, "Come on, guys, I bought a dump here and I'm doing my best to bring it into line with the zoning board regulations."

And if Shanahan happens to win a government housing grant in the form of Auston Matthews, that's OK too.

If Shanahan's house isn't one of the prettiest on the block in two years, don't go outside in the middle of the night if you hear rustling, Shanny, because that's going to be those damn kids and their feces at it again.