Do you need a mug of high-octane sludge to really get your day going? And then another a couple hours after that, then a 3 PM dose? If you live in Australia and feel like you spend the better part of your day pouring coffee into your face just to stay awake, one Adelaide barista has a fix—he's developed a coffee that promises up to 18 hours of "up time" and contains half of the lethal dose of caffeine.
The Advertiser brings us news that a Christies Beach coffee shop Viscous Coffee has created a coffee that will wire even the most jaded of octoshot espresso drinkers. The Ass Kicker iced coffee is comprised of a quad shot of espresso, four ice cubes made from 48-hour cold drip, and 120 milliliters of extra-aged ten-day cold brew. The whole thing is topped off with four more 48-hour cold brew ice cubes.
The Ass Kicker promises to be the Aleve of coffees—all day strong, all day long. Or maybe three days. Viscous Coffee owner Steve Benington said that drink was developed for an emergency room nurse who complained about having trouble staying awake on unexpected night shifts. When she first had the Ass Kicker, which she consumed over the course of two days, it kept her up for three.
"Each cold drip ice cube is approximately equivalent of a bit more than two shots of espresso in caffeine," Benington told The Advertiser.
A normal cup of coffee contains somewhere between 100 and 200 milligrams of caffeine. A shot of espresso, about 60 milligrams. The Ass Kicker contains five grams (!!) of caffeine, meaning it's about 80 times stronger than a shot of espresso. Though no one has officially established a max caffeine dose, scientists speculate about ten grams could kill you.
While not technically a controlled substance, the Ass Kicker comes with a medical warning for people with heart or blood pressure problems, and Benington says it's meant to be consumed over time, up to three to four hours for the large size that will keep you totally fuckin' fried for 12 to 18 hours and set you back $16 Australian. And despite its heavy-duty caffeine count, it apparently tastes pretty great. Its customers are typically kids who see drinking the Ass Kicker as a challenge.
That and the insane caffeine level haven't sat well with some health experts.
"There have been a number of documented cases of hospital admissions and also death with caffeine intakes less than half of what is contained in this beverage," dietitian Tanya Lewis told The Advertiser.
That may well be, but we're talking about people with a need for toxic mud here. And anyway, what's a cup of coffee without a little risk of a heart attack? The idea alone should put an extra pep in your step.