Photo via Flickr User david_shankbone
This might be tough to accept, but I feel bad for noted thespian, pitchman, and stocky liberal pundit Alec Baldwin. I empathize with the plight of a man who has shown no ability to manage his own existence. I have a similar problem, but it revolves around me pissing on the toilet seat by accident. Alec Baldwin is basically pissing on the metaphorical toilet seat of life, finding new and exceedingly extreme ways to tarnish his reputation with his remaining ten fans.
If he's not beating the shit out of photographers, he's throwing around homophobic slurs and making the worst talk show since Chevy Chase dropped a cake on Goldie Hawn's son. In the face of almost universal disgust, he's threatening to “quit showbiz,” according to Deadline Hollywood. Personally, I'd rather not live in a world without Alec Baldwin. Hollywood needs its gravely voiced, pseudo-talented, walking self-parodies. William Shatner will be dead soon, and then it will be left up to Alec Baldwin to blatantly mock his own deficiencies for mass amusement. As an expert on how to make it in show business, I'd like to offer a few suggestions to Mr. Baldwin so that this wonderful world we live in won't have to suffer without another fat homophobe embarrassing himself on television.
Photo via Flickr User julienmagne
Time to Star in a Jack Donaghy-centric 30 Rock Spinoff
Is anyone asking for this? No. Is this actually a good idea? No. More people have seen the “Chocolate Rain” video on YouTube than an episode of 30 Rock. Why do this then? Why sully the memory of an expertly made sitcom? Because it's the only thing Alec Baldwin has ever been the star of that wasn't complete and utter garbage. It's all he has to fall back on. I hate to break it to Alec Baldwin's agent, but no one is clamoring for a sequel to The Shadow, other than me when I'm high and watching The Shadow.
Photo via Flickr User doctorcliff
Instead of Punching People, Try Just Staring at Them with Your Beautiful Eyes
I mean, come on. Look at this. If you're not quivering in your seat right now, you're not a human being. You're a monster on the level of an Alec Baldwin-type. Alec Baldwin has one of the most potent weapons imaginable at his disposal: gorgeous eyes. Why he's not using them to charm the world is beyond me. Why use your fists or your words when a quick glance with those icy blues would solve all your problems? Actually, maybe Alec Baldwin would be better off not talking at all, and exclusively communicating with his eyes. One blink for yes, two blinks for no. Yes, Alec, you can have seconds of mac and cheese.
Photo via Flickr User hdptcar
Become One of Mia Farrow's Children
If anyone knows how to raise a child, it's Mia Farrow. She has something like 20 kids, and some of them have actually had worse lives than Alec Baldwin. She's in the top 10 most tolerant people in the world, if not the most tolerant (well, other than the whole Woody Allen thing). Baldwin is something akin to a giant child, incapable of censoring himself, prone to lashing out violently, not realizing his actions have consequences, and shitting himself. That last part is not confirmed. I just heard from a guy who knows a guy who worked craft services on Prelude to a Kiss. Anyway, I think that Alec Baldwin needs a strong mother-figure to help him learn restraint. Plus, sticking a bottle full of milk in his mouth would also accomplish the not talking thing I suggested earlier.
Date a Man
Here's where things get a tad... complicated. I'm sure Alec Baldwin hasn't really found many men attractive in his lifetime. He thinks implying that someone likes puttting penises in their mouth is pretty much the worst thing you can do to a human being outside of making them watch Alec Baldwin act in The Getaway. If he started dating, say, Anderson Cooper, it would immediately make the world forget the hateful shit he's said in the last few years, and it could help us forget fucking Rock of Ages.
Photo via Flickr User Medill DC
Trade Faces with Ben Affleck
Alec Baldwin has seen Face/Off. Everyone has seen Face/Off. Take Ben Affleck's face, Alec. He basically had the same career as you up to a point. He took the entertainment industry by storm with his rugged good looks and full head of hair, then starred in a bunch of shitty action movies where most of his acting work consisted of punctuating every sentence by squinting his eyes and frowning. Daredevil was his version of The Shadow. Both of you played Tom Clancy's CIA analyst, Jack Ryan. You both were in Pearl Harbor!
Ben Affleck took the hint, stopped acting, and found out he had a talent for directing. He directed the Academy Award winner for Best Picture last year, and now he's about to play Batman. While he was doing all of that, you were calling people faggots and hocking credit cards. TAKE HIS FACE, ALEC. IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE.
Dave Schilling's new book, Letters from my Therapist, is absolutely better than just about any Alec Baldwin movie other than The Cooler. It's also much funnier than Married to the Mob, and has more racial slurs than Ghosts of Mississippi! OK, maybe not that last part, but there's only one way to know for sure: you have to buy it on Amazon and iBookstore. Sorry.
Come Inside Schilling: