MEET THE NIERATKOS - BEHEMOTH

Since it is the 15th anniversary of Vice I decided to celebrate by digging up an interview from ten years ago, half of which ran in a magazine you may have heard of called Big Brother. It is perhaps one of my favorite interviews EVER. It's with a Polish Metal band called Behemoth and all I did was ask the singer set up questions to Polish jokes, a form of comedy he is quite oblivious to. Antics ensue…

Vice: How do you spell your name? Nertel.

So you guys are really from Poland? Yes.

Where in Poland? From the coast up north, a city called Danzig.

Danzig? Like Glen Danzig? Yes.

So did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Which guy?

The Polish Admiral, he wanted to be buried at sea when he died. No, never heard of him.

Well, five sailors died digging his grave. All right. No. I never heard of him.

Did you hear about the one tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for four hours. I did not hear about this.

Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car? Locked his what?

His keys in his car. Yes.

Did you hear about that guy? Sure.

He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out. Yes, yes. He is very famous in Poland because of this. Really? Oh, yes.

Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater? I am not really familiar with that story.

No, They were waiting to see the movie Closed for the Winter. I did not hear about this. "Closed for the Winter"? No. I'm more into, have you heard of this movie [says crazy long Polish title that even he can't spell].

Is that like Bladerunner? No, it's a Polish movie. Very famous. I though that you might know that one but you do not. It won some awards in Europe and in the US. It's pretty famous. But it's not as good as Closed for the Winter? I don't know, I've never seen Closed for the Winter.

What happened to the Polish hockey team? I am not into sports, man.

I heard they all drowned in spring training. I don't know. I am not into sports, man. No, not at all. I am into metal. I am a metal-minded metal head.

Do you know any gay Polaks? Yes, actually one.

Yeah, he sleeps with women right? Of course. He's gay.

How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? Oh, they don't actually.

Yeah they do, I'll tell you how. They say, "Yellow in the front, brown in the back!" Now I know because I never use underwears.

Why don't polish women use vibrators? Why? I don't know.

It chips their teeth. OK. Cool.

How do you sink a Polish battleship? How?

Put it in water. Why did the Polak cross the road? No, I don't know

He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken. That's not bad.

Did you like that one? Yeah, sure.

How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree? I don't know.

Wave to him. All right.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? Well, it depends.

On what? On the point of view.

On the point of view? There is different theories about this. It is difficult to say.

What's your theory? What's my theory? Our power was too weak it was not ready.

My theory is the Germans marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving. I think that's bullshit, but maybe I am wrong, you know. I just graduated university, history actually, and maybe I'm just wrong. Maybe you're right, I don't know.

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? How, I don't know.

Turn off the carousel. OK.

Do you want some more? No. You don't want anymore? No. You're over it? I have a lot of job here man to do. You don't like the Polish jokes? I don't care. Do you think they are funny? I don't know, I don't care.

A few more. Why did the Polish couple decide to have only four children? I don't know.

They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese. OK. What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you? I don't know.

Run like hell, he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth. OK. What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you? What?

Take the pin out and throw it back. Uh-huh. Hey, Nertel, why are there no ice cubes in Poland? There are ice cubes in Poland. Because they forgot the recipe. Isn't that funny? No. What happened to the Polish National Library? What?

Someone stole the book. All right my last question. How do you keep a Polak in suspense? I don't know

I'll tell you later. All right.