The New York Times recently asked, "Do Your Friends Actually Like You?" If that's a question you have to ask yourself, the answer is probably, "No, of course they don't."But what if there was a way to be sure—really, truly, 100 percent sure—that your friends had your well-being in mind at all times? Now there is.Simply download and print out the below legally binding Friendship Contract and badger a friend, loved one, or nearby animal to sign it. Then bask in the contentment of knowing that, unless they care to face stiff penalties, the people closest to you will be forced to care about you forever.
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FRIENDSHIP CONTRACT
ARTICLE 1: BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER
ARTICLE 2: HELPING EACH OTHER
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§ 2.2 Friend #2 promises to come over anytime Friend #1 spots a large bug or medium-size shadow that might be a bug and needs help smushing it.§ 3.1 If Friend #1 introduces Friend #2 to a third friend, Friends #2 and #3 MAY NOT BECOME BETTER FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER than they are with Friend #1.§ 3.2 Friend #2 is free to discuss the terms of this contract with anyone. However, Friend #2 is prohibited from introducing Friend #1 as, "The person from the contract" or "My friend who is all weird about being friends."§ 3.2.1 Friend #1's preferred introduction is, "You wanted the best, you got the best! Ladies and gentlemen, Friend #1!"§ 4.1 If Friend #2 is watching a sporting event, they must invite Friend #1.§ 4.1.1 Friend #2 agrees to provide a selection of magazines for Friend #1 to read, since Friend #1 doesn't really like sports all that much.§ 4.2 Friend #2 agrees with the statement, "It's just not a party if Friend #1 isn't there!" and so will hold ZERO (0) social gatherings without inviting Friend #1.§ 4.2.1 Social gatherings include but are not limited to:• Dinner parties
• Movie nights
• Lacrosse tournaments
• Bar trivia outings
• Shopping extravaganzas
• Ironic wax museum visits
• Sincere wax museum visits
• All group texts§ 4.3 Friend #2 MUST attend Friend #1's guitar recital, even if the recital is being held at Friend #1's apartment and all of the performers are just Friend #1 and all of the songs are just Blues Traveler's Four in order.
ARTICLE 3: RELATIONSHIP PREEMINENCE
ARTICLE 4: SPENDING TIME TOGETHER
• Movie nights
• Lacrosse tournaments
• Bar trivia outings
• Shopping extravaganzas
• Ironic wax museum visits
• Sincere wax museum visits
• All group texts§ 4.3 Friend #2 MUST attend Friend #1's guitar recital, even if the recital is being held at Friend #1's apartment and all of the performers are just Friend #1 and all of the songs are just Blues Traveler's Four in order.
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ARTICLE 5: NONSTOP EMOTIONAL HONESTY
ARTICLE 6: ENTERTAINMENT EQUALITY
ARTICLE 7: TRYING NEW THINGS TOGETHER
ARTICLE 8: INSIDE JOKES
ARTICLE 9: GIFT GIVING
ARTICLE 10: PENALTIES AND SANCTIONS
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I/We do hereby affirm and declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the Republic of the Philippines, the United States and the State of _____________, that this agreement has been entered into voluntarily, and without any threats, promises, duress and/or coercion of any type.This agreement shall be enforced with the laws of the State of _______________.Signed this ______________ day of _________________, 20______________________________________
Friend #1_____________________________________
Friend #2Witness:______________________________________________________
The President of the United States or John Popper{ NOTARY SEAL IF NECESSARY IN YOUR STATE }Follow Sam Weiner on Twitter.
Friend #1_____________________________________
Friend #2Witness:______________________________________________________
The President of the United States or John Popper{ NOTARY SEAL IF NECESSARY IN YOUR STATE }Follow Sam Weiner on Twitter.