Psalm 2021: Boris Feeds the Hungry Private Contractors

Matthew Hancock 14:13-25. New Revised Standard Version

There were many infants who were hungry, despite Boris’ efforts to level up the depressed post-industrial constituencies in the north which had voted Conservative for the first time at the last election, which definitely had happened. 

Boris reluctantly agreed to feed the children, though He was afraid creating a dangerous culture of dependency, even in a pandemic. 

He turned to his disciples, the wealthy CEOs of contract catering companies, and asked them how much food they had to give. 

And His disciples said, “We have no more than five loaves and two fish – unless we are to go and buy food for all these people.” 

And Boris looked up to heaven, and gave the disciples 30 silver coins each and said: “Take this money and buy food for the children and bring it here to me.”

When they returned, they each had transformed the 30 coins into the stump of a carrot, half a tomato wrapped in Clingfilm, two packets of crisps, three potatoes, five apples that were on the turn and some flour to make bread – about five shekels worth of food, or even less at wholesale prices. 

And He took the food and gave it to the crowds, and none were filled.

And one of the crowd said, “Hang on a minute, that’s not a miracle. This is an outrage.” And a great clamour did arise in the crowd, for it appeared to be a complete rip-off.

Boris looked upon the crowd and pretended to agree that the food was a disgrace, despite the fact the food was what the Department for Education guidelines had specified.

He had compassion for them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd, and did not realise that they were not the only ones in need.

And He spake unto them: “I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of regular donations you have made to the Conservative Party.”

And the people who had been living in darkness saw a great light. Boris had transformed just five loaves and two fish into a healthy profit for his disciples, who were job creators who drive the economy by keeping all the money for themselves. Though the people’s hunger remained, they saw that Boris had fed the multitude of private contractor CEOs, that they might heat their swimming pools.

When the people saw what Boris had done, they began to say, “He has transformed a public health crisis into a bonanza for his friends. It is a miracle!” 

And Saint Matthew of Hancock saw what had happened and was glad, even though he had voted against giving the children food in the first place.