Astro Roast is a column in which astrologer Danny Larkin drags each sign, but affectionately!!
Tell a Scorpio they’re too intense, and they’ll wear that criticism like a badge of honor.
An old proverb cautions us not to make mountains out of molehills—but Scorpios aren’t listening. They just can’t resist taking a small problem and blowing it up; they make entire volcanoes out of molehills.
Let’s give an example, like bickering with your live-in partner over who takes the trash out. While most of us might share a gentle reminder or crack a joke, well aware that we aren’t perfect and have forgotten to do our share of chores, Scorpios—probing, brooding, and intense—go for the jugular. They get that crazed Scorpio look in their eyes and tell someone who just got home from a long day of work something like, “I get it—your dad left your mom when you were a kid and you always had to take out the trash since you didn’t have a dad anymore. But that was then, this is now, and I just need you to get over your shit, man up, and throw your trash out, like you did in the honeymoon phase of our relationship—back when we used to have good sex!”
At some point, it will dawn on Scorpios that a gentle nudge when someone has innocently forgotten something might be more effective than going nuclear and bringing up a bunch of dark shit from the past. But Scorpios love to get so intense it can be scary—they’re obsessive when it comes to sex, death, and learning everyone’s deepest emotional problems, hang-ups, and secrets. It’s hard for a Scorpio to pass up the chance for psychological warfare, often creating more drama than necessary.
Scorpios fall into the trap of thinking that the best way to go about things is to gain total control over a situation and manipulate people toward their desired outcome. Yes, calling people on their shit and pushing all their buttons can be an effective way to terrify them—but this often backfires.
Many Scorpios get dumped early on in relationships because they lose their shit on their new partners. While Scorpio’s new partner has their own problems (don’t we all?), they’ll often find it easier to cut their losses than stick it out. Folks that do stick around in relationships with Scorpios are sometimes the kind that relish fighting and drama—so the couple falls into a deranged cycle of taking turns making each other’s lives miserable.
Other Scorpios ignore relationships altogether because they can’t play nice once the going gets tough. These Scorpios end up sleeping around—Scorpios love sex without attachment and commitment. Some get involved in sexual sub-communities and dive into fetishes because they provide a great outlet for all their Scorpio intensity. This can make things more difficult for a Scorpio, since they end up finding a lot of potential partners “vanilla” after these experiences.
At work, Scorpios screw up during meetings, since they name the elephant in the room, reveal some secret, or snatch someone’s wig. Meanwhile, their boss is like, Please shut up, we’re trying to resolve this diplomatically. Other times, the boss lets them in on secrets—which they’ll then dispatch like a bazooka. Like it or not, we need this asshole-ish Scorpio energy to make money for the company. When bosses need to burn a bridge, scare the living crap out of someone, or manipulate a person, they turn to Scorpios to get their dirty work done. Let’s face it—we’ve all relied on a Scorpio to fix a weird situation at work, or among friends or family members. It’s ironic how often Scorpios get conned into fighting other people’s battles, only to be left with little energy for their own. Small wonder that Scorpios have so many skeletons in their closet.
It should come as no surprise that Scorpio is ruled by Mars, the planet of war and conflict. Scorpio is a water sign, which means it’s connected to emotions and the subconscious. Naturally, it is on the deepest levels that a Scorpio feels drawn to fight—their penchant for psychodramatic antics is in the stars!
The ancient image for this sign is the scorpion and the mythology behind this symbol offers important insight into Scorpios. One version of the story goes that there was once a handsome and arrogant hunter named Orion who became lovers with Artemis, the goddess of the hunt. Orion made the mistake of boasting that he could kill anything on earth and that actually, he was a better hunter than Artemis. This enraged mother earth, so she sent a giant scorpion to kill Orion—which it did—and then turned the scorpion into a constellation to warn humans of the dangers of having a huge ego.
Drake is the quintessential Scorpio. To wit, he released an album called Scorpion, which naturally reveals a big secret and exposes skeletons from his past. With this album, Drake is pushing buttons the way only a Scorpio can: He casually revealed that he was hiding a child, as Pusha T accused, and then continued as if it wasn’t a big deal, shepherding the media maelstrom toward any other topic—namely, his happy-go-lucky Degrassi reunion.
The Sun hangs out in Scorpio in the middle of autumn when all the leaves turn yellow, orange, or red before dying. These falling leaves are a powerful metaphor for Scorpios. Just as you need a jacket to stay warm as you watch the seasons change, Scorpios need to focus on keeping themselves warm and happy while other people’s drama unfolds. You can’t force a tree to release its leaves any faster than it will. Likewise, Scorpios need to remember that they aren’t gods. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t force people to change before they are ready.
But there is nothing better than a Scorpio with a ratchet sense of humor; a Scorpio who uses their deep insights and for good rather than evil. A highly evolved Scorpio faced with the earlier "taking out the trash" argument would avoid going on a melodramatic rant and instead purr, "I know the trash is tedious, but if you take it out right now...we can do your favorite thing in bed." Guess which approach gets better results?