Look, okay, fine: I'm no authority here. The closest I've ever come to a decent Halloween costume was three years ago, when I decided at a few hours' notice that I'd turn up to a party as FrankenSeinfeld's Monster. The idea was to dress up in a puffy shirt, with a big latex bolt through my neck, and annoy strangers by asking, incredulously: "And what's the deal with pitchforks?" I then realized that no store in New York would have anything I needed, so I stood inside a Party City for four hours on October 31, desperately trying to figure out a backup plan while fighting off cosplayers. I think I gave up, went home, drew some pathetic ribs onto a white T-shirt, and went overboard with the eyeliner. I suck at this! I've been telling myself to sort out a David Byrne in Stop Making Sense costume for two years. You know what I did last night instead? I drank most of a bottle of red wine and blitzed half a season of Modern Family.
But we're here now, aren't we? We're here on a blog where I'm going to tell you that the best Halloween costume this year was Post Malone. You're going to disagree with me and insist that whatever you came up with was, in fact, better/more clever/better executed/blah, but I'm not going to hear you because we got rid of the comments section here roughly two years ago. So I am right! I have muted all opposable evidence!
Why Post Malone? He's immediately recognizable, slightly absurd, and, appropriately, cursed. The costume requires attention to detail and a steady hand—those face tattoos have to be just right—but it's also cheap and creative. Nobody (except maybe Rita Ora) needed to blow $300 on a Post Malone costume. Observe:
Well done to all of these people, who did the best they could and almost won the night. Sadly, they were beaten by these adorable, cig-smoking children, who will one day flick though photo albums and ask their parents, "What's a Post Malone?"
Congratulations to the Post Malone babies, official winners of Halloween according to Noisey dot com_._
Alex Robert Ross has 364 days to choose between Ghost Malone, Toast Malone, Post Alone, Colin Jost Malone, and Post Malone in Home Alone. Chances are he'll end up on the couch again. Follow him on Twitter.