The Definitive Guide to Superhero Dicks

Is Superman circumcised? What about the Thing's thing? We answer all the questions you never had here.

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Sep 20 2018, 7:43pm

Photo by ABC Archives/ABC via Getty Images

On Wednesday, DC Comics finally answered the most pressing question of our time: What does Batman's dick look like? In Damned #1, the first of a three-part miniseries from DC's adult Black Label imprint, we were blessed with a glimpse of Batman's dong, and to the surprise of absolutely nobody, the caped crusader is circumcised:

THERE'S ABOUT TO BE AN IMAGE OF BATMAN'S DICK DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED!

Even without canonical images of Bruce Wayne's penis, anyone with half a brain could have guessed the Dark Knight didn't have a foreskin. Batman is the type of hero who would believe that this form of body modification is the hygienic way to be. He's a man who gets his powers using technology and wealth, and what is circumcision but a way to modernize your dong? The Joker is also likely circumcised—him and Batman represent a sort of intra-circumcised duality. Batman likes his cut dick, while the Joker is one of those guys who's resentful that society stole away his foreskin without his consent.

I'm something of an expert on this: I've spent many long, arduous nights with my boyfriend talking about which superheroes would be circumcised, a topic that for whatever reason (PC culture, probably) the comics rarely address.

So if you've ever wondered whether your favorite superhero still has his foreskin, don't worry, I got you covered:

Batman

There's the Bat-Dick

As we've already established, he is cut and it's canon.

Superman

Behold the Super-Dong

I don't think you could circumcise Superman if you tried, at least not on Earth. Although multiple people have suggested that it could be done using a kryptonite cutting tool, my intuition is that they don't circumcise their boys on Krypton. I wonder if the Kents tried and failed to circumcise young Clark.

Robin

Robin's crotch

Since Batman is circumcised, I can only assume that his sidekick is as well. My boyfriend suggested that because he grew up in a family of circus performers, he might have not been circumcised as a baby, but whenever he transitioned from Dick Grayson to Robin, he removed the foreskin. There have been other Robins, but they've all been circumcised too.

Aquaman

It's an Aquacock!

A foreskin is like a fin, helping this sea hero glide through the ocean, and thus, our sweet Aquaman is still uncut.

The Flash

The Flash's penis

In Justice League, Barry Allen introduces himself to Batman as "a nice Jewish boy," so we can safely assume he is circumcised.

Cyborg

Cyborg's lack of dick

From the looks of it, Cyborg doesn't have a penis.

Captain America

Captain Ameri-cut

According to the Washington Post, "The WHO estimates that the overall male circumcision rate in the states is somewhere between 76 and 92 percent. Most Western European countries, by contrast, have rates less than 20 percent." He's Captain America for Christ's sake. Of course he's circumcised.

Spider-Man

Spideydicc

He's a regular guy from Queens—he's circumcised. He doesn't really think about it.

Iron Man

Iron Junk

The son of a weapons manufacturer, Tony Stark grew up in a typical wealthy American family. That means he is cut. And he's OK with that!

Thor

Thor's other hammer ;)

Thor is definitely still uncut. It's highly doubtful they circumcise their gods on Asgard. I mean, first of all, it's kind of European since it's from Norse myth, and circumcision isn't common on the other side of the pond. But moreover, why would a god need to modify his perfect body?

Black Panther

The Black Panther's privates

Wakanda is a high-tech society, too advanced for old traditions like circumcision. The Black Panther's dick might be high-tech in other ways, but it's definitely uncut.

The Hulk

Hulk dick

Bruce Banner strikes me as the circumcised type, but does the Hulk have the same dick as Bruce Banner? Does his dick turn green and get bigger when the Hulk comes out, or does it stay the same? Does the Hulk even have a dick?

According to the bonus features on the Avengers DVD, "They modeled every part of the Hulk, except for one. 'When the maquette came in, it's just a Barbie doll,' said Jason Smith." But in 2014, Mark Ruffalo commented on how the Hulk would have sex, saying, "Just like everybody else—just a lot bigger. He starts green and then goes back to his human form at the end, naturally. He gets big and then gets small."

But interviews are not canon, sorry. Despite what Ruffalo says, my feeling is that the Hulk is dick-less.

Doctor Strange

Strange Dong

Doctor Strange is for sure uncut. I mean, would you trust a circumcised wizard? I think not.

Hawkeye

Hawkdick

Hawkeye is an exceedingly normal American man, and thus, he is definitely cut.

Vision

Vision's crotch area

Vision built his own body, and from what I understand about his romance with Scarlet Witch, he likely has privates, but even if he decided to build himself a penis without foreskin, he's never been circumcised.

Star-Lord

Star-chode (jk I'm sure it's a fine dick)

He was born in America sometime in the 1970s, so he's cut.

Groot

Groot's lack of D

He doesn't have a penis, it would seem.

Rocket

Raccoon dicc

Raccoons have different anatomy than humans—most notably a penis bone—and thus cannot really be circumcised. "Raccoon penis bones are considered by some in the South to be lucky charms," according to Mental Floss. Fun!

Drax

Drax dong

Considering the amount of body modification Drax already has, it wouldn't be surprising if he was circumcised. My theory, however, is that he's uncut, but has a Prince Albert piercing.

The Thing

The Thing's thing.

The Thing is canonically Jewish, so logic says he would be circumcised. Although I was dubious of the fact that The Thing has a penis at all, Stan Lee has commented on this important issue, telling Vanity Fair, "I guess common sense would say it was made of orange rock too."

Mr. Fantastic

Elasti-dick

In the same interview, Lee also commented on the genital situation of Reed Richards, a.k.a. Mr. Fantastic. "I always thought it was more interesting to think about Reed Richards," Lee said after he was asked about the Thing's junk. "As you know, he had the ability to stretch, and sexually, that would seem to be a great asset in many areas." Jesus Christ, what an incredible interview.

My feeling is that although Reed Richards was circumcised at birth, he can use his powers to uncircumcise himself when he feels like it.

Wolverine

Wolverine's junk

The X-man's healing powers only manifested during his teen years, so there's a chance that he could be cut, but his backstory has been changed and retconned so much over the years who the fuck knows? Inverse.com published an investigation into whether Wolverine is circumcised in 2017: "James Howlett was born during that period of cultural shifting [in 1800s Canada], so there’s no telling whether his wealthy parents would have elected to have him circumcised," the author opined. "Since circumcision is technically a wound, it’s possible that Wolverine’s foreskin would have grown back when his healing factor appeared, which happened when he was a young teen."

Based off this information, I think the Wolverine grew back his foreskin when he became a mutant. Furthermore, there's an iconic scene where the Punisher blasts Wolverine's dick off and he grows a new one, which presumably has its foreskin.

Magneto

Magneto's genitals

Magneto is Jewish, and thus, he is cut.

Beast

Beast bulge

Have you seen this man's fingernails? He's definitely uncut.

Deadpool

Deadpool's D

According to Deadpool creator Rob Liefeld, "Yes, yes. We would never, ever live in a world where Deadpool can't regenerate his own cock and balls." Meaning every time his dick regenerates, he grows a new foreskin. How beautiful!

All screenshots of comics and the Guardians of the Galaxy movies.

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