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Drunk Florida Woman Steals a Live Lobster from Red Lobster

If you steal a lobster, you don't get the Cheddar Bay Biscuits, and really, that's sort of the whole point, isn't it?

by Bettina Makalintal
Nov 13 2018, 8:14pm

Ah, Florida Woman: Though often overshadowed by Florida Man’s penchant for spectacle, her shenanigans, too, are just as likely to leave us scratching our heads, wondering what we might expect next from the Sunshine State.

As reported by The Smoking Gun, in an altercation at a Saint Petersburg Red Lobster this weekend, a Florida woman allegedly decided to reach right into the lobster tank and grabbed herself a lobster for the road. This happened after the woman, who was apparently very intoxicated, was asked to leave for “disturbing other customers.” (While the thought of liberating a lobster has crossed maybe some of our minds while at a Red Lobster, most people let the thought pass, leaving the whole “catching and killing” thing to the professionals.)

This was a bold move for a few reasons. First, there are the logistics. Will the lobster attack you? How fast will you have to run out of the store before someone stops you? Do you really want to dip your arm into those unknown waters? But to take it a step further: If you were to steal the lobster in an attempt to take it home and cook your own personal Lobsterfest, you’d be passing up a perfectly good opportunity to down a basketful of Cheddar bay biscuits, which are the real stars of Red Lobster anyway. You might as well just go to the store and, you know, buy a lobster. Still, alcohol has bested many a rational thinker.

Post-lobster heist, the woman was charged with disorderly intoxication and, surprisingly, not for theft. According to the arrest affidavit, the woman—who said that she “did not care because [she] didn’t do anything wrong”—stated that she did not know what she did with the lobster. Let us pray for the missing crustacean.

MUNCHIES has reached out to Red Lobster for further information regarding the frequency of lobster-related capers, but we’ve yet to hear back.