Why a Donald Trump Presidency Will Be Bad for Nightlife, Along With Everything Else
The end of everything dance music holds dear (like drugs) is inevitable if we elect this bigoted megalomaniac into office.
In the blissfully ignorant world of dance music, when you hear the word "election," you think of whom you voted for in the Resident Advisor or DJ Mag Top 100 polls. You know, the polls your sixteen-year-old cousin who just licked molly for the first time and your distant, elitist Williamsburg friend who only listens to Romanian DJs like to participate in.
But when you take off your headphones and return to our reality on planet earth, hearing "election" brings you to a much darker place: the chaos that's been occurring in American politics for months on end. Right now, we're battling a catastrophic category five making landfall all over America: hurricane Donald. What started out as a tropical storm way off the coast has now progressed into a bona fide disaster worthy of our deepest and most sincere concern.
Donald Trump, the reality television star, failed businessman, and casino aficionado who is famous for firing people on camera, is a contender to be the next President of The United States. Donald making it this far in the Presidential race comes as a surprise that only a select few missing their two front teeth in the deep South wouldn't be phased by. The land of the free and the home of the brave—the "brave" being those who start dance circles in the middle of a crowded dance floor and think it's OK—is in jeopardy. We could be downward-spiraling faster than the crowd three-hours into any given ketamine rave. Much like an Ibiza DJ's nasal cavity, a collapse is not only plausible but also inevitable if we elect this bigoted narcissist into office. I'd sooner elect Verboten's Jen Schiffer to run a club than I would Donald Trump to run a country.
What I wish the Republican nominee understood is that our daily lives as black T-shirt-wearing techno snobs is challenging enough. In 2016 alone, SoundCloud decided to go haywire, inundating non-subscription users with advertisements mid-set; Verboten became an episode of Jerry Springer; Cityfox found itself one Mirage party from extinction; Time Warp stopped happening in the States, and Southern California debated banning raves altogether. We just can't catch a break. The places we go to shut out the constant influx of bad news—the dark, smoky rooms where rules, regulations and Donald Trump cease to exist—need to be kept safe.
A Trump presidency (or should I say dictatorship) would affect nightlife in irreversible ways. Here's a quick yet painful look at how Trump's proposed policies will have calamitous results for party people all over America.
1. He wants to take away our drugs.
"I will stop drugs from pouring into our communities." (source)
Donald, you can strip us of our rights and divide the nation. You can boast about the size of your hands, make fun of the disabled, and mock veterans of war. You can have your wife plagiarize from Michelle Obama's speeches and blatantly lie to the public to encourage fear and hatred among the people. You can claim your skin color is natural and you can tell us that your hair isn't just giant tumbleweed super-glued to your scalp. What you cannot do—what the tight-knit community of club-goers will not tolerate—is you messing with our drugs. You'll have to pry the cocaine out of our cold, dead hands.
2. He wants to build a wall—which would make getting to festivals in Mexico even harder.
"I will build a great, great wall on our southern border and I will make Mexico pay for that wall." (source)
Donald Trump talks about minorities and immigrants in the way I talk about my friends who still frequent EDC. If he goes through with his nefarious plan to build a divider between the two countries, we are royally fucked. For starters, the wall would severely impede travel to-and-from some of our favorite music festivals. The usual smooth sail to Mexico every January for BPM—the notorious festival in Playa Del Carmen where you eat an inconceivable amount of tacos and shit your insides out in the middle of the Mayan ruins—would be considerably harder.
3. He wants to stop abortion—say hello to a generation of bratty DJ babies.
"I am pro-life. I hate the concept of abortion. There has to be some form of punishment." (source)
Conservatives believe that life begins at conception, while ravers believe that life begins at the first inhale of fresh air upon leaving a club. While the nuances of Donald Trump's views on abortion keep shifting over the years, he's remained staunchly pro-life; in March this year, he even asserted that he'd make abortion illegal and punish women who undergo the procedure. (Their baby daddies, however, would be exempt, he added.)
If Donald decided to pass a law that punishes women for their right to choose, we would see a future full of bratty DJ babies. Just imagine the baby shower. It would be held at Marquee, bottle service would be freshly squeezed breast milk topped with sparklers brought out by a bunch of Cinderellas and Elsas in scantily clad attire, and instead of calling it a "baby registry," it'd be a "rider." Guests would be seated at tables depending on who purchased the most expensive gifts. As adults, the DJ babies would grow up to be like Eric Trump, Donald's son—the type of guy it's easy to imagine cutting the line with a group of four men, and belting out to the doorman, "My dad is an investor here."
4. He wants to defund space exploration—what about Space Miami?
"Right now, we have bigger problems – you understand that? We've got to fix our potholes. You know, we don't exactly have a lot of money." (source)
Pepe Rosello and Carl Cox have chosen to depart from Space Ibiza after this season concludes. That leaves us with the one and only Space Miami (no affiliation to Space Ibiza), a club that's been around since the prehistoric days of pterodactyls roaming the earth. But Space Miami's darkest corners have yet to be safely examined. It's like the deep sea: we don't know what's lurking there, and being there for too long poses life-threatening risks. Scientists don't have the proper technology and equipment to safely and adequately explore the area. With Donald at the helm of our country, we'll have to keep enjoying the many hours on the terrace each Miami Music Week at our own risk.
So, my fellow American techno citizens, if you care about the music that will eventually give us deafening tinnitus, you have to vow to do whatever it takes to ensure that Donald Trump does not become the most powerful person in this country (aside from David Grutman.) Come November, if we're lucky, Donald Trump will pull a classic move called The Sasha. He'll send out a tweet claiming he's sick paired with an Instagram post and a lovey-dovey caption to elicit sympathy, just so he can avoid doing his job. Though, in this case, it's not a five-hour gig in a club; it's a four-year stint in The White House.
Austin Gebbia is voting for The Black Madonna to be POTUS. Follow him on Twitter.