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Vice Blog


September 17, 2009, 6:44pm

Are we friends? I like to think so. And it is because we are friends I must come clean. I have been perpetrating a lie for the past nine months.

We learned that we were pregnant on Christmas morning and we learned he was a boy on 4/20, Hitler's Birthday; this much is true. But his due date was not 9/11. It was 9/5, but for comedic effect (and the disdain of my wife) I have been lying and saying his due date was 9/11. I don't know if it was really a lie because from the beginning I felt it to be true. I felt if there was a comedy god he would have to see humor in the aligning of these three dates to create the next SUPER BABY.

And so I held true to my belief and like the bar of butter in the shape of the Virgin Mary that cries tears of blood, my belief paid off.

On Friday September 11th, 2009 at 8:44 PM, while Derek Jeter was busy breaking Lou Gehrig's hit record, Christopher James Nieratko II was born 7 pounds, 7 ounces in New Brunswick, NJ. And I believe I cried far more than he did.

My brain is still not right. My wife and I haven't slept much in days so I won't get into details other than the fact that my amazing wife's insane gym and kickboxing regimen right up until the day he was born allowed her to push him out in less than 10 minutes flat. I kid you not. I have the video to prove it. And so it is that all the thanks for this future great leader (or nutjob bent on world domination) is all thanks to her.

Thanks, lady. You're the best.