Jerry Seinfeld Is Real and He's Spectacular, According to @Seinfeld2000

I would finally get to find out what he thinks 'Seinfeld' would be like if it was still on TV today with brand new episodes every week, just like back in the day.

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Feb 19 2016, 3:41pm

All photos and illustrations by the author

New York city. Some call it "the big apple." To others it is "the city that simply doesnt ever sleep." Others still know it as "the city of angels." Me? I just call it home. I mean, I am not from here nor do i live here. But for the short time that i was in this city full of a milion stories, the only story that matered was my own: I witnessed the god of comedy Jery Seinfeld perform live for the first time ever

Just to clarify that last sentance, this was not Jery seinfelds first time performing. How else do you think he earned his own hit NBC sitcom (Seinfeld) that literaly DOMINATED television sets across this great nation throughout the 1990s and left a mark that still courses thru the landscape of popular culture more powerfully than the mighty Missisippi?

But even if you had never heard of Jery before tonite (because u were born in a coma? seriosly WTF, hypothetical person i invented in my mind), watching the show it was clear that one was witnessing a master at work. The theater was his domain, and for anyone asking, yes, jery is still the master

The crowd outside the Beacon was rowdy is fuck. Honestly I havent seen middle aged white people get this turnt up over anything since Beyonces super bowl performance. Then as soon as we were all seated who BERSTS out on stage but none other than Jerys fellow comedy icon Steve Martin (Bringing Down the House). He made some jokes but i dont really remember any of them. Listen, my plan was to type down everything on my iPhone 6S but i was siting next to some journalist's and they had notepads and thats when i sudenly realize that when you are writing about the theatar its simply proper etiquete to not have your phone all lit up and distracting smh.

But anyway just picture steve martin kind of making some wry jokes or whatever and then pulling out his banjo and didling out a couple of melodys and what not when suddenly JERY creep up behind him, no fanfare nothing, just two legends in the game sharing a stage as equals

From that point onward, Jery kept it lit with an hour-plus comedy performance that give the audience a window into what Seinfeld would be like today. Any number of his bits could have been truncated and tossed in to the intro of a brand new epsode of seinfeld—if it was still on TV—and it would be just like old times (paging NBC).

Now if youre like me and you have spent the last three years watching every single late-nite TV appearance Jery has ever done in the event that he makes a face or says something that u can photoshop into a freeze frame of a Drake music video or a GOP debate or whatever the case may be, then some of the jokes n stories he told may not be new for you. Regardless the performance was a tsunami of latter-day Jery greatest hits and deep cuts coming at you from every single direction

He eased into his set by talking about "going out" in general, about how everyone wants to go out, and then once theyre out, they "gotta go." It was pure seinfeld, jerry demonstrating an impresive economy of words to nimbly sum up the human experience of socialization before boiling it down to the very poignant observation that none of us really want to be anywhere and that wherever we are, we arent realy satisfied. Daniel Tosh if youre reading this, take note, comedy is about more than just "janking off" onstage. Its about identifying the universal moments that make us human

From here on Jery triple-axel jumped into a barage of dispatches on american culture, from Swanson dinners to texting to motion detectors in toilets

Some times i have to fill out a form or whatever and I actually have to think for a moment about what my birthday is before writing it down. But Jery can cram thousands and thousands of words of an elegantly crafted and fine-tuned comedy set into his mind and regurgitate it with the precision of the lead balerina in Swan Lake, his voice warbling into the emphatic high tones that are one of the keys to his all-consuming charisma

It felt like just ten minutes but Jery had been going for an hour when he thanked the crowd. After getting a standing ovaish, he asked the crowd if anyone had any questions. My heart rate acelerated. Beads of sweat formed on my temple. This was my moment. I would finaly get to find out what he thinks seinfeld would be like if it was still on TV today with brand new epsodes every week, just like back in the day

The crowd wilded out like Jackie Chiles after kramer publicly humiliated him yet again. Questions were hurtled at jery from all around me

One person asked what jery thought about Netflix. He didnt see the point of the question and fired back, "what do you think about Amazon?" The person then clarified about how "netflix and chill" has ruined dating in new york to which Jery said, "yeah, like it was so great before." Honestly it was a true New York moment, just like you hear about in the Woody Allen movies

Someone else asked what Jery thought of Superman vs Batman, to which the comedian said, "Batman is just a guy with a lot of money. Superman is a SUPER MAN." Who could argue with that

Another crowd member asked who Jery was voting for to which he replied, "I dunno there's a lot of good options here. I might vote for Mr. Potato head."

Everyone was literally dying (except not literally because u would have probably read about that on the news at this point)

I peered around. Time seemed to decelerate. I saw the pure joy on the faces of my fellow atendees. And thats when i realized it: i didnt need to ask Jery what seinfeld would be like if it was still on TV because we were witnessing it in person. This very experience was the answer i have been seeking all whole time

But on another level, an even more profound one, it occured to me then and there that I dont really want to know what seinfeld would be like today. Because if I ever really found out the answer, i could fade away from the plane of existence like Doc Brown in Back to the Future. Does that make sense?

Like, sometimes the magic is preserved in the not knowing

And more often than we'd like to admit, we are better off without the answers.

@Seinfeld2000 started out as a parody of the relatively straightforward Twitter account @SeinfeldToday, but through a unique style, consisting of broken English, an irrational hatred of Barack Obama, and a rich internal world in which the Seinfeld characters are murderous sex addicts who measure time with pieces of technology, @Seinfeld2000 has in many ways transcended his trollish roots. He's made a video game, written an e-book, and been profiled by the New York Times.

Follow @Seinfeld2000 on Twitter.