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Redskins, Boner Pills, Paris Hilton, and Caucasoids: FCC Complaints About Football

Some Americans are desperately afraid of their own penises.

by Aaron Gordon
Sep 21 2015, 3:25pm

Since 2012, 48 of the 149 complaints to the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) containing the word "football" or pertaining to football were specifically and solely about the use of the word "Redskins," according to recently released documents. Many of the complainants self-identified as Native American. "As a Native American parent I want this type of unequal broadcasting of racial slur against my family to stop," one viewer wrote. Another viewer said, "As a Native American belonging to the White Mountain Apache Tribe, this usage of a known recognized racial slur is highly offensive and should be halted." In December 2014, the FCC rejected a formal claim that the word "Redskin" is a racial slur and constitutes hate speech.

This is a drastic divergence from almost every other FCC complaint in history, which is normally the last refuge of the frustrated internet commenter. To wit:

"I am Irish and I find it highly derogatory and offensive to hear references to 'Fighting Irish' on NCAA broadcasts intimating that all Irish people are fighters. Really, if you have nothing better to do than worry about team nicknames no wonder television has so much profanity, nudity, and unsuitable programming promoting serial killers and prostitutes as role models. Put that in your peace pipe and smoke it!"

The other 101 FCC complaints were mostly made by prudish, immature adults who have unfortunately procreated but don't want to do any parenting. Among the topics of outrage are: Tom Brady saying "fuck," loud fans yelling "that's fucking bullshit," Paris Hilton, Hardee's commercials featuring scantily-clad ladies eating hamburgers, scary movie trailers, and, of course, erectile disfunction treatment ads.

Oh, there were so many complaints about boner pills. "I don't feel like I need to explain to my young children what an erection is nor the difunctional part of it" (all quotes are [sic] because otherwise we'd be here all damn day writing [sic]), one outraged viewer from Albuquerque, New Mexico wrote regarding a Cialis commercial." Another person from Berkeley whined:

"There is no reason commericals for erectile dysfunction should be aired before 1OPM [note: I'd like to stop and point out that whoever wrote this used an "O" instead of a zero] (I would like them banned all togehter but I don't think you will do that). Children watching the World Series, football games, golf, etc., are exposed to these commercials - do you realize that? These commericals are highly inappropriate, indecent, obscene, and are not suitable for children and teens. You need to do something about this issue."

"Or teens"? Are you fucking serious? You know teens get boners, right? Like, all the damn time. They're gonna know about boners.

Let's back up here for a second. These people are talking about a commercial with old people holding hands and looking at each other lovingly! I had no idea so many parents were scared shitless of conversations with their own children. Do some goddamn parenting, you monsters.

Anyways, here's a racist person from Baton Rouge:

LSU fans: still the worst.

Do feel free to peruse the rest of the complaints at your leisure, until the weight of the realization that we're stuck on the same planet with these incompetent nincompoops causes your soul to collapse onto itself like a dying star.

Complaints to FCC about Football, 2012-2015 by ViceSports

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