These are about the best socks you’ve ever seen in your life. They’re all cottony and cozy and soft. You’d even wear them on the beach if you could. And check this out: When you take them off and hold them by the top they retain his foot shape—hello! ERIK LAVOIE’S SHOES
Hey, Phil Knight, you ever seen these? No? Nor did we. They are a one-of-a-kind, totally fucking rare pair from, like, 1902 or some shit. He got them at a garage sale by giving the lady his own fucking shoes as a trade. ERIK LAVOIE’S HEADPHONES
Hmmmm, let’s see who makes these…hmmm…oh wait, what’s this? Oh, it’s some writing on the top––“Sennheiser.” Oh yeah, what are those again? Oh yeah, I remember now. Those are the very best headphones money can buy. I’m so surprised. NOT!!! ERIK LAVOIE’S ASHTRAY
“It’s actually a mold of my teeth I had made in Montreal so I could get gold fronts,” Erik told us, ruminating over this amazing conversation piece. “It seemed like a funny thing to do back in ’94, but I couldn’t hack it. They’re really uncomfortable. You can’t close your mouth properly and they give you this piercing headache.” Could he rule more? ERIK LAVOIE’S TOOTHBRUSH
While most men scratch their gums into oblivion (never to be heard from again), Erik has the sense to use a brush that gives his perfect teeth the care they deserve. It’s strong enough for eleven-year-old girls but it’s made for a real man. ERIK LAVOIE’S COFFEE MUG
While everyone else is satisfied with some wise-ass, “Say no to drugs” mug, Erik goes back to the old motherfucking school with Tom Wilson’s hilarious Ziggy character. “I think his son Tom Wilson Jr. is doing it now,” Erik explains. “I never got those jokes.” Yeah, because you’re too smart probably! ERIK LAVOIE’S DISHWASHING THING
Want to get off baked-on grease and nacho cheese, and then wash a pint glass, all with the same fucking implement? Well, unless you’re Erik Lavoie I doubt you’ll be able to. Erik uses this thing that pushes soap out to the bristles every time you push down hard and the thing can tackle any fucking dish in the universe. It’s like what Bruce Willis probably uses. ERIK LAVOIE’S BEANS
If your boyfriend came home and said, like, “Honey, I’ve brought home some beans for dinner. Let’s eat some beans tonight,” you’d be like, “Um, no thanks, I’d rather not spend the night in a Dutch oven.” But if it was Erik (and you knew him) you’d go, “Yes, please!” because the guy’s farts are like the sweetest perfume in the world. There’s even a company in Quebec that makes an incense out of it. It smells like pomegranate. ERIK LAVOIE’S SHIT
I know that sounds gross but that’s because you don’t fucking know the guy. The Dalai Lama’s shit? Shitty. The Queen’s shit? Gross. Even George Bush’s shit isn’t that great. Erik’s shit is minty and fresh and tastes like a Power Bar. It’s even green, for fuck’s sake. No wonder people all over the world flock to it for a photo op. It’s a bloody tourist attraction. It’s a miracle!