Republicantics - Opening Remarks From Louis CK’s Potential RTCA Dinner Replacements

Great news, my fellow conservatrons! We can all give thanks to ConservaChrist for last week's glorious announcement that notorious crunchy granola hippie liberal Louis C.K. has pulled out of his gig as host of this year's Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner. Presumably thanks to pressure from noble, righteous woman-warrior Greta van Susteren, whose genius is so strong it wore out her first face and required a second installation, C.K.'s rep announced that he "just didn't want to do it anymore." As someone who eagerly awaits her dinner invitation each and every day—I'm sure it's coming soon!—I could not be more relieved that the assembled Washington, D.C. press elites will not have to listen to C.K.'s unflinching honesty and blistering wit, but will instead probably enjoy passed apps while taking in the comic stylings of the Capitol Steps or, more likely, Billy Crystal.

Now as VICE's GOP analyst, I'm privy to all sorts of private, high-level documents the rest of the world doesn't get to see. Honestly, the stuff I know would curl your eyelashes (and I'm not talking about Dr. Marcus Bachmann's tour rider! Just kidding, Marcus! You know I love to kid—as much as you love Evian and Luna bars, apparently.). The organizers of the dinner are rushing to get a new host to fill in for C.K., and if you think I've got the inside scoop—well, you're right! Not only do I know the names of the folks vying for the position, I also have copies of their proposed opening remarks. Prepare yourself for chortles—whoever wins, it's gonna be one doozy of a night!

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN)

Well hey there, radio and TV folks. I am so pleased to be here as your host this evening. I'm such a fan of all of you that I want to foster every single one of you in my home! [Pause for laughter.] I kid, of course. Dr. Bachmann and I cherish our alone time, and anyone who stays awake in our house after 9 PM just might be privy to the sounds of what our horrified kids call "Mom and Dad moving the furniture upstairs." [Pause for wolf whistles and claps.] Which is literally true. I'm sure all the wives in the audience know what it's like when your husband gets bit by the feng shui bug. Sometimes I don't know which he loves more, me or a Queen Anne chair with good ch'i! [Pause for howls of knowing laughter from the assembled married women.] But we're having fun here.

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich

Greetings, liberal media. I have one thing to say: Take my wife… To Tiffany's! [Pause for roar of laughter.] Seriously, she hasn't had a new diamond ring in months—and every man in here knows how his woman gets if she doesn't get her "medicine." [Pausing for knowing groans and affirmative applause.] I'm not kidding. She's very, very angry. Callista is—she's a hitter. [Awkward titters.] I know she doesn't mean to get angry, but she does. And I should really do better about getting her presents to thank her for getting down on her knees and blowing me in my office all those times back in the '90s when I was tired after a long, hard day of vilifying Bill Clinton for getting blown in his office. [Mix of boos and shocked giggles.] This isn't a joke. She hits me and it hurts, and I'm not sure who to turn to for help. [Horrified silence.] I just feel so… alone. I'm sorry, I told myself I wasn't going to cry at this thing. [More horrified silence.] Oh, God, why did it all turn out like this?

Former Senator Rick Santorum (R-Philadelphia)

How y'all muthafuckaz doin'? [Pause for hoots.] I said, HOW Y'ALL MUTHAFUCKAZ DOIN'? [Pause for howls of joy from assembled audience.] Das right, das right. You know Rick Santorum don't do his thang for no PUSSY ASS audience. I want an audience that got JUICE, that got ENERGY! Lemmee hear ya say YEAAAAH! [Pause for audience to respond in kind.] Now lemmee hear ya say YEAAAAH! [Pause for audience to respond again.] Lemmee hear ya say HOOT! [Audience obeys.] HAAT! [Audience responds.] HOOT! [Again.] HAAT! [Again.] HOOT HOOT! [Again.] HAAT HAAT! [Again.] Alright, give yo'selves a round of muthafuckin' applause for comin' out here tonight to hear me do mah thang! [Audience applauds.] DAMN, we got some beautiful bitches up in dis place tonight! Fellaz, holla if you got a beautiful woman by yo side! [Fellas holla.] But you know, fellas, MEN AND WOMEN BE DIFFERENT, AMIRITE? [Pause for standing ovation from hooting, hollering crowd.] Das what I THOUGHT, muthafuckaz! And you know what else? Fetuses be SACRED! Moment of CONCEPTION, what I'm sayin'. Moment of CON-MUTHAFUCKIN-CEPTION. [Pause for second standing ovation.] Fetuses, zygotes, embryos… all sacred. But you know what crazy? Fetuses dance like THIS and embryos dance like THIS. SHIT IS CRAZY, AMIRITE? I'm out! [Audience collapses in laughter and applause. Santorum drops mic and exits stage.]

Previously - Santorum's Guide to Sex

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