US Soccer Is Out of the Olympics

The United States Under-23 soccer team is confusing. They stomped Mexico, 2-0, a few weeks ago, and in the first game of Olympic qualifying this past Thursday, dismembered Cuba, 6-0. Both good showings—could this team win a medal? Turns out, nope! They lost to Canada—fucking Canada?—and tied El Salvador—fucking El Salvador? And now they won’t even be participating in the Olympics. To this, the common response has been, “If you can’t beat Canada and El Salvador, you don’t deserve to be in the Olympics,” like there’s some test you have to pass before becoming Worthy—but that’s all bullshit.

The US U-23 team (Olympic soccer is an under-23 tournament with each country allowed three over-age players) will not be playing in London because they are a soccer team, and soccer is a weird sport where the final score only ever vaguely represents a true summary of the game. In Saturday’s loss to Canada, the U.S. gave up two goals on corner kicks, which is discouraging, but also just the result of two blunders, not a game-long domination. Against El Salvador, the death blow came in injury time when a low, bouncing shot skipped up against backup keeper Sean Johnson, who awkwardly fell to his side and tried to pop the ball up over the crossbar, only for it to agonizingly loop up and bounce into the goal. Score tied. Qualifying hopes dead. It’s frustrating because that totally unlucky incident decided the US’s fate. A couple more inches and the US wins, and is maybe still on the path to London. It’s also frustrating because one moment can make people lose their minds.

Despite all the yapping, Monday’s failure to qualify is not a referendum on US Soccer and the future of the sport on this country. It’ll survive, it’ll keep going, dumbasses will keep ignoring it, Landon Donovan’s hairline will keep receding, etc. Just because the team couldn’t beat Canada and El Salvador at home (which, why the hell were these games in Nashville if only 7,000 people were gonna show? Also: What the hell, Nashville?), it doesn’t mean that everyone’s going to die and Clint Dempsey is going to retire before the 2014 World Cup to start a line of bass-fishing-friendly fur coats. There are some very good players on this team, as anyone who watched the games saw.

At the same time, it’s not totally meaningless, either. You’ll hear people talk about how great a run in the Olympics would be for the “program” and to “get guys experience.” Sure, maybe playing in the Olympics will magically vault a couple of these guys to the next level, but it’s doubtful. No one knows what the Olympics would’ve done for US soccer. But there’s also really no way to say that playing in the Olympics would ever be a bad thing for American soccer. It would’ve been fun to watch some of these young dudes spin since most of them won’t feature fully in the senior squad for at least a few years. A medal in a major international competition would’ve been nice for everyone involved, as well.

That, though, won’t be happening. Freddy Adu won’t be our Olympic captain, and he’ll go on being a guy who dated JoJo, never playing as much as it seems he should, and somehow STILL ONLY BEING 22 YEARS OLD. Caleb Porter, the head coach, will probably lose his job—both a result of the failure to qualify and since the next major U-23 competition is the 2018 Olympics, which is too far away for him to redeem himself. Porter’s also the head coach at Akron University, the country’s best soccer program, and his appointment in October as head of the U-23’s either excited or pissed off all the freaks who cared. If he leaves, those giddy to see what the best young coaching mind could do with the best young talent will be disappointed. Those who fluffed their handkerchiefs at a “college coach” coaching an Olympic team—like Eric Wynalda, occasional butthead but full-time USMNT supporter, —will say “I told you so.”

Porter, though, will keep being a good coach, and may maybe turn into a great one. And everyone else on the team will keep being American and playing soccer, hopefully combining those two things at some point in a more successful manner. Still, though, that doesn’t make it any less of a bummer that we won’t get to see Josh Gatt burning down defenses or Joe Corona just being a guy named Joe Corona in August. So, it’s OK to be kind of depressed right now. And it’s OK to watch this one last time and say, “Fuck you, El Salvador.”

@RWhohan