Jared Allen Literally Rides off Into the Cold Gloom of Reality

Riding off into the sunset pic.twitter.com/wZXovseGKS
— Jared Allen (@JaredAllen69) February 18, 2016

Perhaps sensing that his last chance at playing for a Super Bowl passed him by earlier this month, Carolina Panthers sackmaster and mutual oral satisfaction enthusiast Jared Allen announced he was retiring today, via horse. Allen, an avid outdoorsman, announced the news this morning that he would be retiring after a 12-year career and racking up 136 sacks—the most of anyone since he entered the league—in a video posted to his Twitter account. The idea was that he would literally ride off into the sunset, but mother nature was not cooperative. It was overcast, the land desolate, and the sky bleak, a pale blue slate. He might be retiring, he might be embarking on a journey for humanity's survival through unthinkable isolation and violence.

Is Jared Allen the first player retiring to literally ride off into the sunset? https://t.co/J6uWX4Solz
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) February 18, 2016

Also, if he did this contemporaneously, this would be a sunrise? I guess we're splitting hairs at this point. Anyway, Jared Allen has lassoed his last quarterback and announced it in a way no one quite has. Allen also released a statement thanking friends, family, and the organizations he played for over the course of his career: the Panthers, Bears, Vikings, and Chiefs.