It’s summer, and depending on which part of the country you live in, the season often comes with extreme, sticky-up-in-all-your-crevices humidity. While many complain that the moisture covering your entire body—even in air-conditioned spaces—is disgusting, they are wrong. It's actually good. Very good!
High humidity gets a bad reputation. Yes, being sweaty feels gross, as it's usually coupled with intense exercise or poorly ventilated spaces. Or sex, if you're a cool person and get laid, in which case, congratulations on experiencing human touch in regular intervals. Humid climates may make you sweat, but it’s a different visceral experience than the sweatiness of a spin class, or that which comes on when you’re 10 minutes post eating a weird-tasting chicken sandwich you got at a gas station. The skin-feel of a humid day envelops you with its lush embrace and creates a pleasantly soft, dreamy moisture on your limbs. Does that sound like a Dove commercial? Yes, it does, but that's just what it feels like! (The Dove marketing team probably gets it.) It's like that scene in Weird Science where Lisa steps out of the bathroom, a fully formed, computer-generated hot lady, surrounded by steam and glistening with dewiness, her hair looking luxuriously frizzy and ready for a Glamour Shot. You, too, can look like you came out of a problematic, soft-focus 80s movie or music video—as soon as the humidity hits 60 percent.
If all of the humidity-haters were to stop whining for a second and let themselves fall into this cloak of warm fog as if it were a tenderly drawn bath, they'd find it's relaxing and, dare I say, sexy qualities.
A rainforest-like climate gifts you Mother Nature's own specially formulated brand of highlighter, kissing your cheekbones and nose with a touch of shine that gives you, a mere plebe, a Jennifer Lopez-level glow even while perusing the aisles of T.J. Maxx. At first, your face may feel like it's layered with a sheen of salted butter, slowly simmering your features as though they were ingredients in a thick stew. But should you pass a mirror—preferably one emblazoned with a beach pun ( Don't worry, Beach Happy! I'm an AQUAholic!)—what will stare back at you is a radiant angel smoldering with luminosity. Your hair will look awful, though. No getting around that, except with a hat, scarf, or ponytail.
Still, high humidity isn't just for those that invest their hard-earned dollars on Fenty Beauty or Benefit Watt's Up! highlighter. Everyone looks good with a touch of natural glow. If that was incurred by muggy, swamp-butt-inducing weather, so be it. It is god's plan.
In fact, humid environments have magical acne-clearing properties for some. The moisture in the air serve as a sort of environmental sauna for these lucky denizens, cleansing all that nastiness from their pores and expelling it out of their system like Linda Blair’s green barf in The Exorcist.
There's a reason people flock to warm, humid places on vacation. It feels good, you look good, and if you’re traveling with your boo, it tends to make you horny. It's only natural that some of the sexiest music videos ever made are set in humid places, or even discuss the merits of extreme humidity. Is it hot in herre, or is it just me? Nope, it's everyone. That shit is sensual!
The aforementioned Jennifer Lopez has shot countless music videos in which she appears to be covered in the familiar dew humans are prone to on humid summer days. "Waiting for Tonight"? Humid ass club, and also a laser-filed jungle of sorts. "Booty"? Humid ass light-up box room, and Iggy Azalea is also there, because it was 2014. "Love Don't Cost a Thing"? Humid ass Miami, a city located in a state shaped like an actual dick. Jennifer Lopez loves to be humid, because she knows it's hot as hell. To paraphrase the 1995 film Clueless, a little sweat draws attention to the skin. This reminds people of being naked, and then they think of sex!
What do we want more than anything in this world? Beauty and sex. Humid days provide both, and therefore are good. Case closed.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
Follow Alex Zaragoza, a humidity-loving freak, on Twitter.