After Two Weeks of Hell, the Penguins-Senators Game 7 Was Phenomenal

For six games, the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Ottawa Senators made you wish you were dead.

Sidney Crosby. Erik Karlsson. Evgeni Malkin. Mike Hoffman. Phil Kessel. Craig Anderson. All talented individuals capable of rising above the fray and inspiring children to pick up hockey and make it their craft, but because of mysterious elements no one will ever be able to pin down (cough cough Guy Boucher), the first six games of the Eastern Conference Finals could be deemed torture under the Geneva Convention.

Then, Game 7.

Holy shit. Has anyone ever been so painfully bored for so long only to be rewarded with such an exquisite conclusion as that? I don't even know what the pop-culture equivalent is so I can do a bad Bill Simmons impression. Has the series finale of a show ever exceeded everything that preceded it like this? Has anyone ever had a bad blackjack run only to have it end with splitting 8s a bunch of times with the dealer busting for J-Bug?

Name a television show with a great final episode. No way the episodes that came before it were as bad as the six games that led to Game 7. What about a horror movie with a crazy twist at the end? Nothing compares to the two weeks of hell we went through to get to the Chris Kunitz double overtime winner Thursday night.

Maybe if you hated The Usual Suspects but still appreciated the killer ending, then this series has an equal, but come on. That movie kicks all the ass, so close this window and go back to having terrible opinions somewhere else.

This Game 7 had everything you'd want, unless you're a Senators fan or you bet on the Senators or the over, but then you should know nothing contained in this space pertains to you. I'm sorry. While I am sympathetic to a team letting you down or gambling not working out, this column is an independently objective view of a double overtime conference final Game 7, which was phenomenal.

Remember the first periods of this series before Thursday? No, no, take away that barrage by the Senators in Game 4 when Marc-André Fleury was giving away goals the way the NHL gives away outdoor games to the Chicago Blackhawks. All the other first periods. The ones with all the stoppages for offside and the dump-ins and chip-outs and shots from a great distance that were easily seen and stopped. The first periods that made you flip to the NBA playoffs, baseball, or reruns of Friends.

The first period of Game 7 was orgasmic, if not literally then at least in comparison. There were seven minutes of play uninterrupted by a whistle of any kind. No one froze the puck or shot it into the stands. Offside? Icing? No way, no how. There was flow, the thing that every hockey fan wants in a game, even if they don't know it. It was back and forth and wonderful, despite the fact there were no goals in the first 20 minutes.

Was it the greatest first period in hockey history? Of course not. But it was the craft beer tossed to a parched person after a lifetime of Bud Lights. Everyone earned that extra hoppy IPA brewed by monks on a mountainside in Tibet.

Then, the second period.

By this point, it's fair to say we all thought the Penguins had this. They were the better team through six games, and while a goaltender like Anderson can steal a game, it felt like only a matter of time. So when Kunitz buried that two-on-one chance, it felt like justice. It felt right. It was 1-0 Penguins.

And before they could announce the goal in the arena, Mark Stone buried a pass from Karlsson to the tie the game. There would be no holding on for dear life. We would not be subjected to Matt Cullen sliding to block shots for 30 minutes. We would continue to have a hockey game, the thing we deserved after six nights of suffering.

Stone's goal was bad for the Penguins but good for everyone else.

Here's the thing about playoff hockey: referees are terrible. Actually, "terrible" is too kind a word. They are something worse than that. There is no word in any language that conveys their level of incompetence, a level that sank even deeper when the Senators were caught with six skaters on the ice in overtime but either no one saw it or no one had the balls to call it. With NHL referees, it's hard to tell.

Entering the final 20 minutes of regulation, the Senators had both power plays during the game, so we all quietly understood that the Penguins were getting their make-up call at some point. It was only a matter of when and how, but in the third period of a tie game, it had to be a blatant penalty.

Then Phil Kessel saved the day.

On a dive that would have made Greg Louganis proud, Kessel fell to the ice from some moderate contact by Dion Phaneuf. At the very least, this should have been a situation where both players went to the penalty box for interference and diving, but since the Penguins had zero power plays up until this point, Phaneuf was sent to the box while Kessel got away with the crime of the century, or at least of the playoffs.

And, of course, the Penguins scored to make it 2-1.

That goal, by Justin Schultz, didn't decide the game, but it should be evidence that diving is good. Referees are cowards, more so in Game 7s. They don't want to call penalties. You can get away with anything in a Game 7. So with the timing right, Kessel earned the Penguins a chance to win the game in the third period, and all that was at risk was a warning (gasp!) from the NHL or a $2,000 fine.

Can you imagine not diving in that situation? It's either no call or a potential power play that could send you to a Stanley Cup Final. If you don't dive, you should hand in your uniform and skates. Who in the world wouldn't trade $2,000 for a chance at a Stanley Cup? It was beautiful and Kessel deserves all the credit for executing the ruse to perfection.

Then a few minutes later, Ryan Dzingel made the point moot by tying the game and sending it to overtime. It should be noted the goal was the result of Karlsson's 16th assist and 18th point of the playoffs. While Kyle Turris was getting all the praise on NBCSN for whatever he did by the boards, Karlsson's shot through traffic to hit the post was the biggest reason Dzingel had the greatest moment of his NHL career.

No one is advocating that Karlsson should win the Conn Smythe Trophy with his team going only three rounds … but maybe? Is it really coincidence that an overmatched Senators team hung around for seven games and Karlsson had the primary assists on both of his team's goals almost immediately after both Penguins goals? He deserves it more than Sidney Crosby did last year. At least consider it.

Then it was Kunitz in double overtime. Broken down, borderline useless throughout the regular season Kunitz. He was basically the henchman at the end of Die Hard coming out of nowhere with the gun, except he got his shots off and instead of killing the good guys, he killed the most boring team in NHL history. He's a hero!

This series should inspire you. It should help you achieve your dreams. Are you down? Despondent? Convinced that the next day will be as bad as the next? Are you sure that no matter what happens, your life will be as boring and unfulfilling as the conference finals between the Penguins and the Senators? Well, let Game 7 give you hope.

If Game 7 can be this amazing after six games of needles in your eyeballs, maybe you can do that thing you have always wanted to do. If Kunitz can score two goals in a Game 7 after scoring none in the first 13 games of the playoffs, then maybe you can realize that dream of whatever it is you want to do.

At the very least, you should be smiling from ear to ear because you don't have to watch the Senators anymore.

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