Frank Ocean's Blond came out two years ago today, and I remember exactly where I was. I'd just moved to a new apartment in Brooklyn where we had no furniture, no wi-fi, and nothing but hot sauce and beer in the fridge. It was 7 PM. I'd just come back from a coffee shop, my office-for-the-day while I worked as Noisey's Weekend Editor. I sat on the roof of my building with a drink and no phone, trying to disconnect. When I went inside for another, I saw my phone blowing up. I ran into my empty bedroom, grabbed my computer, set it up on the stove—the only flat surface that wasn't the floor—and connected to my cell data. I then danced awkwardly around the kitchen, shouting "fuck fuck fuck" over and over again, smashing the news onto my keyboard flat-palmed while my fingers seized up in panic. It was pathetic, and I take little pride in it.
What did I learn that day? First: maybe think about buying a couch when you move into a new apartment, rather than just hoping for the best. Second: cell data cannot handle anything except box scores and your drunk-ass tweets. But third, and most important: Music news, like all news, doesn't sleep. Late evening on a late-summer Saturday, 11 PM on Christmas Eve, first thing on Thanksgiving morning—the Good Weekend Editor should always be awake, caffeinated, and close to a functioning router.
This past weekend, as ever, music news was awake. But it entered a sort of drug-induced mania, spitting out comatose non-sequiturs like a teenager after a bong hit. The headlines confronted me this morning after a blissful weekend of not checking Twitter, and it seems only fair to share them with you, the Noisey reader, who perhaps read that Frank Ocean news hit two years ago and had no idea that the individual behind it would stress-sob into his next beverage.
Lana Del Rey Defends Her Decision to Play a Tel Aviv Festival
"Performing in Tel Aviv is not a political statement… just as singing in California doesn’t mean my views are in alignment [with] my current government opinions," Del Rey tweeted after fans got upset with her decision to play at this week's Meteor Festival. We can plug in someone else's name and run this back every other week. In this instance, I'm upset by the fact that Lana Del Rey tweets. In my head, she's writing all her thoughts down in a leather-bound journal, staring out at a pleasingly modernist swimming pool between sentences.
Lana Del Rey Has a Go at Rudy Giuliani on Twitter
She could have written this on a coffee-stained napkin, cigarette ash falling over the breakfast table, a Billie Holiday LP crackling in the background.
Chvrches' Lauren Mayberry Reads From Omarosa Manigault's New Book About Trump
Jack White Claims That Tom Waits Stole His Watch
Waits, I assume, did this in the knowledge that White would have to check the time on his cell phone going forward.
Nicki Minaj, Who Isn't Number 1, Gets Very Mad at Travis Scott and Spotify, Later Insists She Was Only Joking
Send this story to hell where it belongs.
May next weekend be filled with Lil Yachty remixes, Aphex Twin videos, and Frank Ocean rumors instead.
Don't follow Alex Robert Ross on Twitter, there is nothing for you there.