Women Prefer Men Who Are Heavily Tattooed Body Pillows

You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

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Jul 18 2018, 7:38pm

Original photo by Dave Luchansky via Getty Images; treatment by Leila Ettachfini

On Monday, a Christian blogger who writes under the moniker “The Transformed Wife” published a post with the click-baity headline, “Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos.” I didn’t want to click on the link, but as a tattooed, unmarried non-virgin with a shit-ton of debt, I had to investigate. Could this be a brilliant piece of satire to help satiate the hole left in my heart after I cast off the evangelical Christian upbringing that’s brought me nothing but guilt and shame?

The short answer is no. Accompanying the piece is a photo of a smiling young woman with simple gold jewelry and long, flowing blonde hair—suggesting, perhaps, that this is the prototype for men’s ideal partner.

“Do you know how much more attractive debt-free virgins (without tattoos) are to young men?” writes Lori Alexander, who, according to her bio, has been blogging since 2011, married a man named Ken in 1980, and is working to teach young women how to “be sober, love and obey their husbands, love their children, be chaste, discreet, good and keepers at home.”

“Unfortunately,” she continued in her July 16th post, “there are so few of these types of young women anymore because of the high costs of college (debt) and sexual promiscuity even within those in the church. As believers in Jesus Christ, we need to live in a way that is pleasing to Him because His ways are the best. He calls debt a burden and urges us to live lives of sexual purity.”

In other words, according to Alexander, young Christian women should not only “save” sex for marriage, they should also avoid getting a college education—the very thing that’s allowed women to venture outside of the home to work and essentially put them on equal footing as men.

Because we’re big fans of egalitarianism and, more importantly, believe it’s important for women to be a part of conversations like these, Broadly asked several people to respond to a totally unscientific survey about their preferences in a marriage partner. Their options included: (1) a living human man with $100,000 in debt; (2) a debt-free pirate ghost; or (3) a heavily tattooed but very comfortable body pillow.

Melissa Oyler, a writer/graphic designer who lives in North Carolina, said she’d prefer to marry a debt-free pirate ghost because “a ghost's love would be eternal.” She also added that tattoos aren’t really a factor for her either way because she has a number of them herself.

Dani Brockington, a writer in Atlanta, agreed that of the options, she’d choose to marry a pirate ghost, a la Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. “At least he'd bring me treasures that one day every seven years where he gets to come to shore and be human again,” she said. “And if he's debt-free I don't have to worry about being entangled in any Davy Jones locker nonsense.”

While others expressed some interest in having a partner who was so spiritually connected, it was actually the heavily tattooed but very comfortable body pillow that was the most popular choice for a marriage partner among respondents. Kymm McLayne, a North Carolina-based stylist, said “anything that represents a man that can't talk would make me ecstatic—that way I wouldn't have to listen to their incessant narcissistic banter about how they know everything. And I do love to cuddle.”

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Marketing consultant Kseniya M., who lives in North Carolina, said she preferred “a little cushion over a hard bod,” while Yu Hui Kim, an accountant in Georgia, said she likes “guys with tattoos.”

Jessica Russaw, a customer service representative in Georgia, said if she had to get married, she’d also choose the pillow. “I don’t have to hear it snore or worry about the pillow sleeping with someone else,” she pointed out matter-of-factly.

For Lara Americo, choosing the body pillow was a no-brainer. “It would have the least expectations from me,” said the New York City-based artist, “and I can masturbate all the time.”

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