This week, all of the same people from SXSW went and purchased their most offensive Native American headdresses to head over to Indio, California for Coachella. Either that, or they microwaved a listeria-infested Amy’s frozen meal to sit at their computers and stream this blessed event. Either way, we got in on the Insta-action from artists headed to Coachella to perform. Check out what we found.
Alright Drake, what the fuck is a “Chella”? Here he is in his OVO onesie, grabbing his dick and watching that ferris wheel in the distance thinking, “This wheel reminds me of the London Eye. But I’ve always got one eye on you, girl.” Bars. Sidebar: Is he wearing an Apple Watch already? Of course he is. Double Sidebar: Don’t ever use the word “Chella.” Leave that to the Drizz.
If Kimbra rocks these Spice Girl platforms for her set, then she better come through with “Spice Up Your Life” for her encore. These shoes are pretty fabulous, and if you don’t like them then you probably have low self-esteem and shitty fashion sense. There. I said it.
So in one photo, Lykke Li summed up the entire Coachella audience: quasi-artsy with an Instagram filter, and just when you’re about to hand them a “deep” adjective, you see a fucking McDonald’s arch in the distance. There it is. Thank you, America. As a very random aside, In-N-Out is so much better than McDonalds.
Vic Mensa must be the smartest man on the planet dropping his new track “U Mad” with Kanye West in time for Coachella. I’m not here for that though. I’m here to ask you all why he looks like DeVante Swing from Jodeci, and if one day DeVante was watching SNL and saw Vic on the floor with Kanye and Sia and was like “Fuck! That guy is my doppelganger! We should have a Jodeci reunion!” And that’s how that happened. #DeepThots
It still hasn’t sunken in that AC/DC is performing at Coachella. Like, I don’t understand what’s happening here. Do NOT get me wrong, AC/DC is totally badass, but I just can’t envision this sea of floral headbands in the audience dancing and throwing each other in the air to the tune of “You Shook Me All Night Long.” And then there’s this sign. Is their name written in rocks because they “rock” or is because they’ve been around since the Flintstones?
Why didn’t anyone tell me Ryan Hemsworth is my soulmate? He has nailed, NAILED, douchebag chic with this whole situation. A golf cart, shin socks pulled up, no shoes, and an all-white outfit with a dress shirt that looks like a sleazy motel bathrobe. Plus a MacBook Pro. And is that a Kabbalah bracelet he’s wearing? God, I hope so. This man is a legend.
Lil B’s whole life could be a think piece on Jezebel. Have you ever been to a Lil B show? Well, it’s scary as fuck, and pimply boys thrust their girlfriends on stage (like literally bodily throw them on stage) and yell, “Fuck my bitch, Based God!” So now Lil B posts this meme right before he’s headed to fucking Coachella. Wonderful. Some poor girl is going to get a concussion because her dickweed boyfriend isn’t an athlete and couldn’t fling her high enough to reach the stage.
Azealia Banks is serving so much face before her Coachella performance. Seriously, Azealia, save some face for the rest of us. We’re sitting around faceless because of you and your face serving. I should probably say "face" one more time. Face.
In other face-serving news, Annie from St. Vincent has harnessed the powers of proper liner to get her eyes on fucking fleek. I wonder if she’s going to perform with that eyeliner on like that, because if the desert heat kicks in and that shit melts, then she’s going to look like Alice Cooper. Jussayin.
Okay, so Run The Jewels just won for the absolute best Coachella-inspired artwork. I don’t really care much for “I bought this T-shirt at the concert, so I’m gonna wear it right now” guy, but I would totally buy this on a T-shirt and wear the fuck out of it at Coachella.
Don’t you wish Kiesza captioned this, “I’m so excited for Coachella that I shit in my hand and I’m bringing it to Indio!” But alas, she didn’t. It’s just a piece of coral or something from Brazil. Boo.
Yeah, so this is what Mø has to say to you if you don’t like her performance. As long as she doesn’t bring out Iggy Azalea for “Beg For It,” we’re cool.
There is something unsettling about this billboard of The Weeknd. Like the background of it is all black, and he’s wearing a black jacket and all you can see is that little sliver of a white shirt and then his head. It just looks like his head is on a stick or something. If I was headed to Coachella and saw that while I was driving, I would probably veer off the road.
If Jenny Lewis and Anne Hathaway aren’t #FriendshipGoals then I don’t know who are. This was from Jenny’s “Just One Of The Guys” video with Anne, Kristen Stewart, and Brie Larson. Wouldn’t it be awesome if she toured with all of them, and Anne wore her fun mustache? Btw Jenny Lewis is so cool.
I can’t tell if Raekwon didn’t realize his camera was on zoom or he was doing one of those “Fuckin’ art$y bruh” photos of just his eye. Either way, he has a nice haircut.
Kathy Iandoli is just as fuckin’ art$y. Follow her on Twitter @kath3000