The Noisey Guide to Skipping SXSW Party Lines with Dirt Nasty

I’d say I’ve spent a solid 75% of my time here at SXSW in line waiting for something. Usually, the event I’m waiting for isn’t even worth it. As you can see above, most concerts at SXSW suck a huge fat dick.

If you remember who Joe Budden is, you’re pretty old. If you like Joe Budden, you probably hate music and torture small children. If you wait in line at SXSW to see Joe Budden, then you definitely received a lobotomy, and yet, there was the following massive line to see Joe, Prairie Boi, Dominic Lord and Chance the Rapper.

If you have to reference the fact that you are actually a rapper in your rap name, then you’ve missed every mark possible. “No, mom, I promise I’m a rapper! Look at my business card! See there? It says ‘Chance the Rapper’!”

I’ll never wait in line again because now I know the secret to being a true VIP: bringing hip-hop provocateur Dirt Nasty with you wherever you go. For the uninitiated, Dirt Nasty is former MTV VJ Simon Rex. After leaving MTV, he got into the rap game as an MC and producer. Diplo’s record label, Mad Decent, is releasing the first album from his collaboration with Riff-Raff and Andy Melonakis, entitled 3 Loco! When he said he wanted to party with me at SXSW, talk about his new album and perhaps, “Mack on some sweet bitches,” I was hesitant, but by telling me the secrets of skipping party lines, he changed my tune. By the way, the secret is being famous. I guess that’s not a secret. Just be famous.

I had so many shitty times at SXSW this past week, but I didn’t when I chilled with Dirt Nasty. When you’re with Dirt, or any other famous person, every line is a VIP line, every party is the best party and no women wear panties. Like, either they didn’t put them on when they left the house (i.e., they somehow forgot to put them on or felt them to be extraneous), or Dirt Nasty makes panties disappear. I’ve heard that for rappers, making panties disappear is something akin to developing Jedi Mind Control powers.

When not forced to wait in line for hours to get into an event, it frees you up to do so much. For instance, you can:

Shotgun Beers

Shotgunning beer is definitely something that can’t be done in a SXSW line. Pregaming is mandatory at SXSW because it takes so damn long to get a drink, but when you have to queue up for multiple hours to get into an event, there’s no time for slamming brews. Without a commitment to waiting in line, you can pregame all day and all night, in which case it ceases to be pregaming and just becomes the game itself. Here, the game in question is called, “Who can drink the most beers?” I did not win.

Pose for Awesome Party Photos

Look at how chill and cool and dope we are. We were whisked directly into the party and were begged to take some pics just because we were balling so hard. Guys, have you ever seen someone ball like this? I was balling in multiple fashions, on a super high level. I couldn’t even come close to balling like that in a line. In fact, most SXSW party lines have a “No Balling Allowed” rule.

Hang Out With Shirtless Men in Public

You think this dude would take his shirt off IN LINE? Heavens no. Taking off your shirt is “in-party” behavior. You’re not going to see a chill shirtless dude living life to the fullest while you’re standing around like a chump, waiting for a wristband. With Dirt Nasty, party life has transcended the wristband. Where we’re going, we don’t need wristbands, lanyards, ID cards or badges. We just have to “be awesome.”

Meet Nice, Attractive Ladies

Girls don’t really “get” me. I had my first sexual experience when I was 23. I look like a bloated California Raisin and will be bald in the next 5 years. I’m definitely not going to meet ladies shuffling around the party line. I have to have something to offer the hotties that roam SXSW. Fortunately, I have Dirt Nasty to bring all the babes. I very much enjoy shaking the ladies’ hands and having them ask me to please stop staring. Being called a creep never sounded so good.

You might ask yourself, why Dirt Nasty? Perhaps Joe Budden would have gotten me the elite access I so desired. Maybe Chance the Rapper could have hooked me up with a fast pass to SXSW glory. Maybe they could have, but they didn’t. From now on, I’ll be bringing Dirt Nasty to everything. I’ll be taking Dirt to the doctor’s office for my yearly checkup, the grocery store to buy cat litter, my parents’ house for Thanksgiving, and also the DMV. I’ll never have to wait. I’ll never have to be sad again. I just have to believe in the power of being with someone famous. From now on, I am only spending time with famous people. Normal people can’t do the following things:

—Get me into parties
—Get girls to talk to me
—Damage hotel room carpets with spilt beer
—Make me, by proxy, also famous

Any famous people that want to be my friend, give me a holler. I am ready to party. I’m also tired of standing in line for Quiznos. Please send help.

Dave Schilling is currently getting tatted up with Black Lips. He's on Twitter - @dave_schilling