People Told Us the Shittiest Thing They Ever Did to Get Back at an Ex

In six words.

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Mar 8 2018, 7:11pm

Illustrations by Brandon Celi

We’ve all fantasized about going Kill Bill on some jerkwad who ripped our heart out. It’s understandable to want to lash out when you’ve been hurt, betrayed, and abandoned. [Blares Alanis Morissette's “You Oughta Know."] But it takes a certain kind of person to make that dark dream a stark reality. Banging your ex’s little brother, staging elaborate gags, or stirring up shit (sometimes literally)—these are all ways spurned lovers have staked their revenge. (By the way, we don’t endorse any of this behavior. If someone dumps you, it’s usually smarter to quietly mourn the demise of your relationship, blow some money on a fancy serum at Sephora, and then go on a few mediocre Tinder dates until you get your mojo back.)

But, if you have lost your mind on some bitch-ass fool, we want to hear about it. We asked friends and co-workers about the shitty things they’ve done to stick it to an ex. Here’s what they said.

“I slept with his younger brother.” - Kim, 34

“Posted his phone number on Craigslist.” - Billy, 35

"Made him think I was pregnant." - Hailey, 23

“Pretend friended his sister for years.” - Woj, 34

"Wrapped his house in toilet paper." - Melinda, 22 (17 at the time)

“Rumor: His GF has hairy nipples.” - Lauren, 34

“Wished them much love and light?” - Mary, 36

“I drank his limited-edition Hennessy.” - Kim, 26

"Changed the passwords to his accounts." - Brittany, 24

“Swapped numbers around in his iPhone.” - Jason, 40

“Fucked his best friend. Sent pics.” - Jenelle, 36

"Became great friends with his mom!" - Tara, 25

“I keyed his brand-new truck.” - Julie, 33

“Sent a card full of glitter.” - Melissa, 37

“Told him he got fat. Ha!” - Paula, 38

“I left with all his pillows.” - Jane, 49

"Left some poop on his doorstep!" - Tonya, 25

“I secretly befriended his new girlfriend.” - Jasmine, 33

“Put dog shit in her mailbox.” - Bryan, 32

“Slept with my ex’s best friend.” - Beth, 34

“Took out restraining order on her.” - Mark, 34

“Spammed ex’s email with Trump bullshit.” - Jessi, 31

“Used his Netflix account for years.” - Lynn, 39

“Gave him bad review on ratemyprofessor.com.” - Laura, 36

“Made fake Facebook profile to spy.” - Eric, 30

“Lied about being three months pregnant.” - Sara, 34

“Anonymously emailed his girlfriends detailing indiscretions.” - Sandra, 44

“Paraded new boyfriend at his work.” - Josh, 24

“Enlisted fake boyfriend in jealousy attempt.” - Carly, 31

“Burned a painting he made me.” - Aviva, 39

“Continued a friendship with her mom.” - Kyle, 30

“Sent Meat Lovers pizza. She's vegan.” - Justine, 32

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