How to Make the Perfect Milkshake for Throwing at Fascists
Combining the public humiliation of racists and one of nature’s most delicious frosty treats is pure poetry in motion.
Left image by Drew Schwartz; right by
Ian Forsyth/Getty Images
A good milkshake is a terrible thing to waste. It truly is a most perfect dessert: a drinkable marriage of cream, milk, and sugar, served whipped and cold and just dense enough for a straw to stand at attention within. Its primary ingredients and preparation are accessible enough that even the most overworked and underpaid members of the laboring classes could, conceivably, grab one after work, or whip one up as a weekend treat between shifts of capitalist wage slavery.
The best milkshakes involve chocolate and peanut butter (this is an immutable fact, and not debatable, sorry), but many other flavors are acceptable, and experimentation is encouraged. For example, the banana and salted caramel milkshake is an unorthodox but inspired flavor choice, one that made its international debut via a guest appearance on British political hack Nigel Farage’s face.
“Milkshaking”—quite literally, the practice of chucking milkshakes at and, ideally, on famous far-right figures when they slither into public places—is the latest trend that’s swept the young anti-fascist players of the British left. It started with Stephen “Tommy Robinson” Yaxley-Lennon, the former leader of the English Defense League, who has had milkshakes thrown on him by anti-racist protestors on multiple occasions. Alt-right UKIP politician Carl Benjamin—best known for disgusting comments he made about raping a female member of Parliament—has been milkshaked four times this month. Now, Nigel Farage has joined the rogue’s gallery of milky (and eggy) far-right knobheads who have been utterly and completely owned by people willing to give up their precious cups of blended ice cream for the cause.
Of course, there’s nothing wasteful about fighting fascism.
Milkshaking’s power lies in the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Someone’s thrown a milkshake at you! A milkshake! That’s silly as hell! As a direct action—an instance in which political activists or regular-ass people who are fed up with the state of things takes matters into their own hands, through either violent or nonviolent means—milkshaking is both effective and sophisticated, robbing its target of any dignity while emphasizing the illegitimacy of their noxious views. No one’s getting injured (though the New Republic has noted that throwing milkshakes qualifies as assault in some jurisdictions). Its very absurdity is the joke, and the fascist jagoffs who find themselves subjected to this creamy deluge are rendered powerless; if they react aggressively, they’ve been successfully “triggered,” that beloved byword of the worst kinds of people. If they sit there and take it, they look like a weakling. If, like Farage did, they call the cops (or retreat to the safety of a double-decker bus), they look even worse—the big strong “man of the people” who couldn’t handle getting a little egg on his face.
As much as the Piers Morgans and Ricky Gervaises and other assorted useless commentators of the world enjoy hand-wringing and bloviating over how nasty the left is being and how rude and terrible it is to temporarily inconvenience powerful men, there should be no debate over the importance of eradicating fascism, and of confronting its agents when they poke their ugly heads out into the commons. That the latest means of doing so involves both the public humiliation of racists and one of nature’s most delicious frosty treats is pure poetry in motion.
It’s time to live deliciously, comrades.
To make a milkshake, you'll need:
½ pint vanilla ice cream
¼ cup milk
About 4 tablespoons chocolate syrup
Set a glass in the freezer to chill while you make the rest of the milkshake. Warm an ice cream scoop slightly in a tall glass of hot water. Neither of these steps is strictly necessary, but will keep your drink frostier and will make scooping much easier, respectively.
Scoop the ice cream into the base of a blender jar, and top with milk. Pulse the blender a couple times to incorporate, then add the chocolate syrup and pulse until combined, pushing the ice cream down the sides if necessary. If you blend for too long, the blender heats up and melts the ice cream, making the shake unideal for drinking but perfect for throwing.
Adjust the texture as needed with more milk or ice cream, pulsing after each addition.
Remove the chilled glass from the freezer and pour the milkshake in. Serve (or throw, if legal in your jurisdiction and at your own risk) immediately.
Editor's Note: VICE condones only the drinking of milkshakes.