A List of Ridiculous Items from the Latest Development in the Stolen Brady Jersey Saga

On Monday, literally dozens of fainting couches across the country were relieved of duty as Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. was reunited with BOTH of his stolen Super Bowl jerseys. A grave wrong was righted and this blue planet could resume hurtling around the yellow sun. But how did it happen? How was man reunited with his performance-wear mesh? It was a 19-year-old "sports memorabilia collector and avid Patriots fan," of course.

Last December, Dylan Wagner sold a jersey to Martin Mauricio Ortega, the man who stole Brady's jersey from the locker room following Super Bowl LI, and the two exchanged pictures of their collections. Brady's Super Bowl 49 jersey was prominently displayed in Ortega's photo, but because it wasn't yet known to be missing, it didn't seem too crazy that a collector would have it. When Brady's missing Super Bowl LI jersey became a national story, however, Wagner knew who had it. So he tipped off his buddy who is an ATF agent in Boston, and afellow memorabilia collector, who then turned the photos over to the FBI, providing the basis for the search warrant used to search Ortega's home and recover the jerseys. CBS Boston's I-Team has all the details.

That last paragraph was pretty absurd, so what I'd like to do is highlight all of the ridiculous things found inside CBS's I-Team report on Tom Brady's stolen jerseys. We'll start at the headline and work our way through the whole thing.

I-Team

This is an I-Team, short for Investigative Team, report on Tom Brady's stolen jersey.

Seattle Patriot's Fan

The kid is from Seattle. Pats Nation is a nation of bandwagoners. Even the ones from Boston.

"19-year-old Dylan Wagner" and "sports memorabilia collector"

I guess if you are buying and selling jerseys to the guy who stole Tom Brady's jersey, you have some serious memorabilia-collecting chops—enough to earn the title "sports memorabilia collector," anyway—but I think 19 is too young to throw your life away like this. Collectors and autograph hounds should be middle-aged, kid. Live your life.

"Helped federal investigators"

Never forget that the case of Tom Brady's missing jersey was literally a federal case.

"Dylan shared Ortega's photos with his friend, Boston ATF Special Agent Christopher Arone, who is also a collector."

The subculture of memorabilia collecting is exactly as weird as you think it is: 19-year-old dudes are friends with Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms agents and no one bats an eye. Oh yeah, my buddy Chris the ATF agent—I sold him a Natrone Means powder blue and we became fast friends.

"I couldn't believe this guy would have the audacity to go in and steal something that someone worked so hard for."

Real talk: Ortega worked much harder for that jersey than Brady did.

"'It's incredible. I wasn't sure they'd even get one, but to get both of them back. It's history, it really is,' Wagner said."

I swear to God this is a real quote obtained by the I-Team. Gutenberg's printing press. Martin Luther's 95 Theses. The Renaissance. Ford's assembly line. The rightful return of not one but two sports jerseys.

"It is history that a diehard Patriots fan living in Seattle got to play a major role in helping the FBI crack the case of Tom Brady's missing Super Bowl jerseys."

The I-Team is drunk on the high of a big scoop.

"'It's incredible. I wasn't sure they'd even get one, but to get both of them back. It's history, it really is,' Wagner said."

I'm sorry, I'm really just not over this one. It is the craziest fucking thing I've ever read.

It really is.