Justin Bieber has Achieved Sports Fan Enlightenment. Join Him.

For more than 2000 years, since the first take was scrawled on parchment at the Ancient Olympiad (The YOUTH of today have NO IDEA how to throw a spear!) sportswriters like myself and my esteemed colleagues here at VICE Sports have crawled along the dust of this cruel world, searching for the Ultimate Take.

All this effort, as it turns out, was for nothing. We were incapable of it by the very nature of our existence; the jaundiced eye of the wretch is too impure to see through its lifetime of biases. Only a pure, crystalline eye, opened wide by a lifetime of traveling the world, could see through the miasma and get to the deeper truth underneath all of this sports noise:

Justin Bieber, pop star of note, has spent his entire adult life flying around the world, attending high level sporting events, singing anthems, shaking hands with athletes, sitting courtside, and, probably, playing in weird underground celebrity blood games. Seeing sports through this privileged, gold-rimmed pair of glasses has helped J'Biebs to see to the deeper truth of sports. The truths that you and I, bitter monsters covered in crust, futilely tying our happiness to local teams and nurturing arbitrary hatreds based on shoe design and geography, cannot see from the shit pits of our lives.

The Canadian Oracle provided four truths, which we now turn our attention to.

TRUTH ONE: "I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT SPORTS TO HAVE A VALID OPINION"

It's true. We don't.

Last night, I started reading The Rider, Tim Krabbé's semi-real novelistic account of being a competitive bicycle rider, one of the best books ever written about being an athlete. Krabbé describes a time when he went on an extended training trip where he planned on training during the day and getting some writing done at night. He managed to do his training, but his nights were so overwhelmed by obsessing over his performance, looking at maps, obsessing over his times, that his will to compose literature or whatever was totally drowned in his competitive spirit. The obsessive life and world of the athlete subsumes the part of the brain that idly composes literature. They don't understand each other. No one standing outside the ring can REALLY know what happens in the body and mind of the athlete.

The dull writer brain isn't sharp enough to truly perceive, and yet, they are given the responsibility of putting all this into context. Perversity of the highest order.

TRUTH TWO: "BUT I DO ENJOY SPORTS!!"

Also undeniably true. Sports however unknowable, are still enjoyable. They are loaded with aesthetic fireworks, the human body doing impossible shit in motion, infused with the spirit of competition that provides the kind of pressure that helps your brain construct fun, arbitrary narratives on the fly. Lots of fun and feelings to be had. Definitely enjoyable.

TRUTH THREE: "AND ENJOY ANY HIGH LEVEL SPORTS GAME."

Hell yeah, baby! Pretty much any high level sports game has shit that anyone could enjoy. Watch this T20 cricket highlight video:

You almost certainly don't know shit about how cricket works. You probably don't even know what T20 is, or how it's different from Test or ODI. And yet, you pretty much enjoyed that. You saw that guy botch that catch at around 3:40 and you felt his pain as the ball slipped from his fingers.

The only thing that could have possibly got in the way of your enjoyment was the nagging neurosis of maybe not totally understanding cricket. But Justin is unburdened by the callouses of the mind that keep someone from experiencing the pure and perfect joy of sport, of sports, of sporting.

How did he get this way? How did he open his heart? The answer lies in truth the fourth.

TRUTH FOUR: ANY TEAM

Damn, Justin.

Damn.

We are poisoned from a young age by regional and aesthetic biases, so much that the whole of sports as an enjoyable experience becomes inaccessible to us. Here, in this tweet, Justin shows us the way to a MORE PERFECT and MORE COMPLETE experience, where we enjoy ANY TEAM, ANY PLAYER, ANYTHING that happens like it was a new and beautiful experience—every time we see it.

We simply must go beyond our petty hatred and accept that ANY TEAM is good,and worthy of our acceptance and love, no matter who they are or what we convince ourselves they stand for.

We should all seek the pure and perfect enlightenment we observe in this tweet. Now please, excuse me, I have to go into the bathroom and let out a few happy tears.