Every time a silly and unnecessarily stupid story makes the NFL look bad, I invariably think man, this is the most NFL story. So, man, this is the most NFL story. Broncos punter Britton Colquitt spoke to reporters about his new baby girl, just a week old, and how he's getting hit up for a cool $1,800 to get her in the building Sunday evening against the Panthers. One thousand eight hundred dollars! For a sack of potatoes with a mouth.
"There's no age limit to tickets. It's $1800 for our week-old daughter we just had. It's kind of crazy," Colquitt said. "You won't remember, but I'm paying for it. It's not about the money because with the tickets you end up kind of forfeiting your Super Bowl check. It's about the medal I guess and the memories and putting your name in history forever."
Two things: First, why does the punter have to pay for tickets? These guys take enough heat from their teammates and fans for being non-athlete hangers on, let them at least get their friends and families in on the arm for the biggest game of their lives that no one will remember they participated in—unless they fuck up royally. Second, just ditch the kid somewhere and tell her she was there when she can, you know, do things other than expel sputum. Sure, you're starting her life out with a lie, but kids are expensive enough.
Or at the least, check out the secondary market the day of the game. There will probably be some good deals. Just be sure to preserve her innocence; don't let her sit up in the cheap seats with the real fans.