Girl Eats Food - Drunk Chicken

21.7.11

You’re not a real cook till you’ve spent a day fisting poultry. And I don’t mean sheepishly patting sage and onion into its hole, I mean getting gruesome and ramming a can up there.

My grand old mother always defined femininity in three ways: An enigmatic skin care routine; a knack at turning the love of an old man into bags of green dead presidents; and the skill to roast a bird perfectly.

The problem with poultry is that birds are dirty as shit. You know pigeons you see with club feet? That’s because they’re so horrible and thick they stand in their turd until their feet melt… That’s birds for you – gross. It’s understandable, then, that everyone always ends up overcooking birds in a fit of salmonella hysteria; understandable, but regrettable, because dry poultry is balls. The solution? Combine the two most basic food groups: chicken and booze and create something remarkable.

Annons

With this shafting technique, even if you baked your bird for ten hours, it will be moist as a weeping sore and much, much nicer than Nandos.

Drunk Chicken

It’s really important that you find a chicken whose butthole is big enough. If it’s got a wee anus, it’ll expel the can before the hour’s roasting is done. They don’t sell chicken by girth, so you just have to keep an eye out for the one who looks like a lonely old Italo Queen. Other people in the supermarket may judge you for spending a half hour carefully inspecting chicken anuses, but they’re probably just not up on high-end culinary stuff like this.

Ingredients

Loads of butter
A slug of vegetable oil
2 - tablespoons of cayenne pepper
2 - tablespoons of paprika
2 - tablespoons of salt
2 - cloves of crushed garlic
1 - can of beer, pint/ British sized/ not crap American lager. One must have standards
1 - whole chicken, mine was about 4 pounds/ 2kg

Step 1.

Go in easy and start off massaging your bird with oil, get right into all the curves and folds. Once you’re acquainted, things need to get a little friendlier with a hella lot of butter, work it in everywhere. Of course, a large knob of butter needs to be concentrated around your bird’s hole. Apologies if I sound like an erotic baker or a 1950s postcard, BTW: there really isn't any way to write about this without embracing the sex allegory.

Step 2.

Chicken would really still taste yummy if you seasoned it with bile and covered it in dust bunnies, but – and feel free to label me snobbish – I used a basic Cajun rub. Dump all your spices together with the crushed garlic and you’re good to go.

Annons

Step 3.

Slap your rub all over. Think of it as face-paint and think of your chicken as a trick-or-treating child dressed as a chicken covered in oil, butter and spices.

Step 4.

Thanks to our continental culture of early evening drinking in parks, the standard beer can size in the UK is just right. But if you’re a Yank, that translates as a tallboy can. Pour around a quarter away or y’know, just drink it. Jeez, there are people in Islamic countries whose fridges have practically NO beer in them, and you're just gonna throw it away?

Step 5.

Hack a generous hole in the top of your wife-beater. This will stop it exploding as it heats up and turning your bird into Dresden.

Step 6.

Now dump a little more of your Cajun mix into the can. This flavours your chicken's anus, and after all that fuss in the supermarket, it'd be galling to end up with a bland anus.

Step 7.