Girl Eats Food - Anti-Riot Battered Sausage

There’s nothing like violent rioting and watching your cities burn to bring out the Battle of Britain spirit in you. Or the hysterical racist wanker, it depends what kind of person you are. I’m not the racist sort, so I’m focusing on backs-against-the-wall, they-don't-like-it-up-em, #riotcleanup, c'mon-lads-you-want-your-children-to-call-the-Kaiser-King? vibes.

To me, national pride is best represented by reconstituted, unspecific meat products and salt. Some classics like jellied eels may not have stood the test of time because they taste of rotting cat food, but the battered sausage is as sturdy a totem of Britain as Churchill’s erection glazed in Marmite. It’s also one of the few meals you can beat a looter with.

Battered Sausage and Mushy Peas

Let’s be honest, unless you’re a TV chef who delights in making staple meals unaffordable, you’ve only ever eaten battered sausages when you’re so wasted a kebab seems too complex. However, they’re actually dangerously easy to cook up in the depravity of your own home. Throw in a side of traditional mushy peas for dipping and you’re basically saving British society one bite at a time.

Ingredients

Worryingly cheap sausages… none of that Cumberland bollocks
1 x lump of plain flour
1 x tsp baking powder
1 x splash of milk and lager
Lots x salt
Tinned peas
Salt
Salt
1 x knob of butter
4 or 5 x tablespoons of double cream

Step 1

Roll your poisonous bangers in flour to start, then flash fry. They’re probably made from scraps of pig perineum, so you want to double fry to at least make sure they’re cooked through.

Step 2

Remember that trick we learnt with batter and fizzy pop? Well you’re going to use hobo fizzy pop this time to mix your batter up nice and thick with beer.

Step 3

Dip your belly bomb into the swill.

Step 4

Fry! Leave them cooking till they look like the golden chodes reclining behind the sneeze guard in your local chip shop and leave to cool.

Step 5

Meanwhile you can be tackling the pea mucus. I’m using tinned peas. Just 15p from the Costcutters, if you can find cheaper vegetables with less nutritional value, I'll refund you the difference.

Dump the peas with your cream and butter then “mush” it. You know, like a mush pit.

There you have it, a serving of Great Britain on a plate. For a truly authentic experience, pack it up and consume in a restaurant in Spain.

Bone-appetit!

JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT

@fuertesknight

Previously: Girl Eats Food - Ube Cake

Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.