Brooooo. How did you wait this long, again? Mother’s Day is in four days, which isn’t even enough time to make reservations at certain outdoor restaurants, let alone carve a bust of the woman who birthed your dumb face. Obligatory chastising aside: Don’t worry. We’ve all been there. You’re in good company [gestures to fellow goblin babes], and, no, you are not asking for the impossible when you Ask Jeeves (RIP), “What are the best last minute Mother’s Day gifts that she won’t be able to sniff out?”
You have to think out of the box, but not in a way that feels totally forced. There are contraptions for brightening, massaging, and feeding mommy dearest that can hit with all the giddy joy of a novelty item, but actually have staying power (see: that smooooth pasta maker) in her life.
We’ve got the best pots, yoga mats, and pet psychic sessions [opens carpet bag]; we’ve got massage gadgets that won’t take up tons of space, and a “venomous” serum that is supposed to do some Dorian Grey-level face zhuzhing. There’s even an actually unique bouquet in there, for you classic kids.
The power to boil entire generations of crawfish
There’s nothing more heartstopping than a 21-pound, 62-quart lobster pot, capable of steaming the whole tide pool, corn field, bounty of tamales—the list goes on—for Mama’s summer BBQ. Plus: It’s got stage presence. Won’t it look great with a big, red velvet bow on top? Put the grandbaby in it for a photoshoot, if your mother is Midwestern/has a cabinet of those Hallmark store ceramic birthday angels.
Bayou Classic 62-qt Stainless Stockpot with Basket, $104.12 at Amazon
Whoop it up!
Cameo is hands down the best part of late-stage capitalism. In sum, it gives us plebs the chance to commission a personalized video greeting from a smorgasbord of celebs, from Ray Abruzzo to Sean Astin; Carole Baskin to Lance Bass (and those are some of the bigger names. Does anyone know what’s up with “Dan Sperry, magician?”). The gem of Cameo’s crown, IMO, is Real Housewives of Orange County OG Vicki Gunvalson. As in, “I make my own money, and I make my own rules” Vicki. After over a decade on reality TV, you know she can turn around a personal message real fast (24-hour delivery available) and real well. (Plus, you can see videos she’s done in the past to get a feel for the vibe.) Make sure Mom has a marg on hand for this one.
Vicki Gunvalson Personalized Greeting, $125 at Cameo
Sorry, robo mommy is OOO
This heat- and pressure-massaging eye mask is definitely that transitional gear in the sci-fi or superhero movie that the main character needs to do The Very Hard Thing. (Like mothering you!) There are six preset massage modes, including “automatic,” “vitality,” “sleep,” and, yes, “child.” Because nothing screams “Mother’s Day” like the child setting on the eye massager.
ZARIMI Eye Massager with Heat, Vibration and Air Pressure Massage, $79.99 at Amazon
A date with a pet psychic
Whether she just wants to know if her pet thinks her new Raya match is really Ben Affleck, or there’s an underlying issue she needs to deal with [points to poop in the bathtub], this telepathy class is purported to teach one the beginning steps of pet telepathy. Let us know how it goes?
How to Communicate With Your Pet Telepathically Class,
$79.99 $12.99 at Udemy
This will probably become part of her body
I mean, would you ever take it off? This looks like both the least cumbersome, yet most effective way to become a walking, human Brookstone massage chair. Have mummy close her eyes whilst you drape this portable massage sash over her shoulders for a deep tissue treatment.
Neck Massager with Heat, $26.39 at Amazon
A streak of the pyro
For the mom who likes crème brûlée and dabs. Think of all the sunny side-up eggs, the fish, and summertime oysters she’ll torch with that special glow in her eye. La vie en flambé.
Sondiko Butane Torch, $17.99 at Amazon
Cooking with a legend
MasterClasses give us the same energy as Cameo, but in a ~classy~ way. They’re like going to night school, but in bed, and you don’t have to see anyone else except renowned chef Alice Waters, who revolutionized the meaning of American cuisine with her Bay Area restaurant, Chez Panisse. Her class was recorded in her very kitchen, and will teach mother the ins-and-outs of cooking “in harmony with nature” just like Waters. Don’t be surprised if she cuts her hair and starts buying more hemp linen.
MasterClass with Alice Waters, $180 for two 1-year memberships (50% off) at MasterClass
The dirty little cousin of the Roomba
For legal reasons, we should specify that this floor-sucking robo has nothing to do with the Roomba. But boy, does it ever scratch that forever itch we’ve had to own one. This self-driving disk comes with a bunch of different cleaning modes, and is real quiet.
Goovi, $194.99 at Amazon
Has she tried hot honey yet?
It’s delicious. This honey is so sweet, with the perfect touch of spice. This honey is a metaphor for mother. Drizzle it on toast, waffle fries, BBQ ribs, salads—it elevates everything. If she likes Beatrix Potter, try integrating it into this *muah* chicken fried rabbit recipe.
Mike's Hot Honey 24 oz. Chef's Bottle, $18.99 at Amazon
This might also be sex furniture?
Not sure yet. Never seen a yoga kit like this. It really hits that Adam & Eve sex kit bundle energy with that shade of red, which could be a cool-horny gift for your wife/partner this Mother’s Day. Maybe gift it with coconut oil, mother nature’s favorite kitchen lube.
HemingWeigh Yoga Kit $46.99 at Amazon
Prima di tutto: Pasta
Necessary, for the Nancy Meyers movie montage/cooking scene she deserves. Can’t you just picture Meryl Streep cracking a perfect, tilted smile whilst a curtain of fettuccine rolls out? Shouldn’t that be your mommy?
Nuvantee Pasta Maker, $37.99 at Amazon
She *will* like flowers, if they’re cool
OK, so those sad grocery store tulips that will de-petal in a day are a big last minute no-no. We would rather you give her a bouquet of rocks (actually sounds really cute?). Anyways. People write-off last minute flowers because the thought invokes images of funeral bouquets and corny crap. But there are plenty of spots where you can get a unique stunner, like Bouqs.
The Bouqs Tropical Love bouquet, $49-$69 at The Bouqs
Keep her juiced on snail mucin and bee venom
All the wonders of spring, squeezed into a single brightening and anti-wrinkle serum. Which is cool. But we’re mostly obsessed with the idea of giving mother a bottle of her own beauteous venom potion, made with stuff from bugs. How cool is that? Soko Glam is offering free expedited shipping on orders over $35 with code MAYRUSH2021 until May 5, so throw one in there for you as well.
Benton Snail Bee Ultimate Serum, $27 at Soko Glam
Now smash that order button, dear procrastinator.
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