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White hip-hop multitasker (MC, producer, video director, comedian, etc.) Necro has added another title to his résumé––porn director. And for a first-time porn director, he did okay.
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Κείμενο Chris Nieratko
1.12.04

Sexy Sluts

Sexpertvideo.com

Dir: Necro

Rating: 5

White hip-hop multitasker (MC, producer, video director, comedian, etc.) Necro has added another title to his résumé––porn director. And for a first-time porn director, he did okay. For what it's worth, he managed to get June 2003 Penthouse Pet Lanny Barbie to take it in the ass in his video, although the kid fucking her in the ass is one of Necro's pasty, white, skinny Jewish friends, whose skin is seriously so pale that it reflects the hot lamps right back into the camera. I'm not sure what makes that scene more unbearable––the glare from his skin or seeing his pencil-looking dick on screen for fifteen minutes. Other annoying moments: hot girls in bathtubs playing with themselves and then not getting fucked, fried-egg tits, and worst of all, Jerry Butler. For those who don't know, Jerry Butler was an '80s porn cock who married some chick from The Munsters or The Addams Family or some shit, and his role in this movie is to act like a mutt for Necro's approval. Ever seen a guido from Staten Island on an eightball of coke and a six-pack of Red Bull? That's Jerry Butler's whole steez. The dude brags about the chicks he's fucked more than I do, but the difference is I'm funny and he's an idiot. His only redeeming quality is when he gets on his back and demonstrates how he can make fart noises using the suction between his lower back and the floor. His whole inclusion in this DVD is worse than skits on hip-hop albums. At least with skits you might get a laugh out of them before deciding to never listen to them again. Jerry's commentary is tied to each porn scene, so you're forced to hear/see him at the beginning of each scene. But for as bad as I've made this video out to be, there are two things that make it a must-have: Necro's original score and Uncle Howie, Necro's heroin-addict uncle. Uncle Howie talks in a stereotypical Jewy nasal tone and has your typical emaciated junkie steez, but he's like a thousand times more entertaining than your average Jew. And he's a fucking junkie! Hel-looo! In my opinion, junkies are right up there with retards, mutants, mongoloids, Pollacks, and Iraqis in terms of the funny. Necro, realizing this, uses Howie in a "white slavery" scene where some poor girl is tied to a table while Howie pinches and bites her nipples, whips her, and berates her with creepy lines like "You're a dirty whore. You like that. Scream for me." I'm not saying it's sexy in any way, but if you're on some Marquis de Sade shit, then you're going to be stoked.

Extreme Behavior

Adameve.com

Dir: Toni English

Rating: 7

If I was writing this a few years ago I'd tell you my extreme behavior consisted of mass amounts of pharmaceuticals crushed up and snorted off scandalous girls' ass cheeks, mixed with whiskey and wine to create a constant blackout. Boringly, it's been eight months since I did any drugs and I barely drink once a week. The only extreme thing I have left is my nail biting. It is beyond obsessive, so much so I barely even notice I'm doing it anymore. I'm actually typing this with one hand as I gnaw away on my left hand's thumb. All my fingers are fucked, gnarled, unsightly. My lady refuses to let me finger-bang her parts anymore because she says the rough edges of my nails irritate her innards. My fingers haven't been inside her in months. I almost forget how awesome it is to make finger puppets in a girl's parts. I've been sticking my hand in Stove Top stuffing so I don't forget. I bet if my girlfriend were porn slut Aria from this video she'd let me finger-bang her. Have you ever seen that chick? It's not the girl on the cover, fuck no. Go to ariaxxx.com to see her. She's a goddamn man! Her face looks like Chaka from that old TV show Land of the Lost—real Cro-Magnon shit. I saw her from behind once at a porn convention in Atlantic City and I was like, "Sweet ass." Then she turned around and I felt like a fag. I was like, "Dude! What the fuck, guy? Shit." I can understand how Aria could get work in fetish videos as a half man/half woman, but she's popping up in all kinds of straight pornos. Is there no screening process in adult entertainment to keep unsightly mutants like Aria off the screen and out of our lives? Don't they care about the children? What if a young kid, age six or seven, finds this tape and sees Aria and gets freaked the fuck out? Then what? Who's liable? That's why they need a board or a committee or a council or some shit to keep porn beautiful. Ugly people should do ugly pornos, fat people should do fat pornos, midgets should do midget pornos and so on, but beautiful people like myself should never be forced to see an ugly person having sex in a DVD that is made for beautiful people. Am I right or am I right? Fuck. Why do the uglies always have to fuck things up for the rest of us?

CHRIS NIERATKO