I feel like I haven’t talked to you guys enough about shitting. Sorry. Still, there’s no better time to bring it up than January, is there? I bet your body is feeling sorry for itself after you put all that meat, fizzy wine, ecstasy, gak, and mincemeat in it.
You want help?
Of course you do. But the answer isn’t making half-hearted resolutions, or night terrors, or crying in the shower fully-clothed; it’s shitting. And you know what? There really is no better way to cleanse your system of any marbles you swallowed as a child—and of course all the badness from 2011—than with vegetables and hospital-strength medication. The The Detox Coconut Colon Cleanser A variation on “Jugo De Vampiro”, which is a cute Mexican term for “pooping vampire blood”, this is an age-old recipe for detoxing (read: pooping, again). So, delivered within a gastric wunderkind coconut Slush Puppie, one serving of this will have you feeling as empty as a beach ball in no time and ready to start a whole new year of stuffing your face.
1 x carton of coconut water
1 x beetroot
1 x carrot
1 x handful of prunes (YUM!)
1 x cup of mixed berries
1 x cup of grape juice
Huge x slug of laxatives Step 1.
Freeze a jug of coconut water till it’s slushy (but NOT solid). Coconut water has experienced a bit of a boom since LA bulimics discovered it, and rightly so as it’s full of magical electrolytes. I don’t know what electrolytes are, but I know they stop you shaking after you’ve woken up in a dumpster soaked in kebab vomit. So it's kind of like nature’s Gatorade.
Next, when preparing your topping, try and keep the ratio of beets to the more yummy ingredients low:high. While beetroots have endless healthy, laxative benefits, they taste like pickled soil.
Steam the carrots to soften them up a little. Pretty boring, really, sorry.
Unload everything into a blender, then slosh in some purple grape drink. This should ensure that you’ve really demolished that beetroot taste, and the grapes will combine with the residual New Year's alcohol in your poor, unbrushed mouth to (sort of) taste like wine.
Whizz until smooth. It should look something like this. Which, trust me, looks better than it tastes.
Fill a glass with your frozen coconut sludge and raise a toast to health, happiness, a clean colon, a fresh start, a brand new you, love, life, and 2012.
Plop a serving of your magical stuff on top.
For an extra kick of sweetness you can drizzle on a little sugar syrup. But, if you’re really serious about detoxing, you can spoon on some delicious lactulose. Why waste money on gym membership when you can get healthy gasping for air on a toilet?
Poop cocktail assembled, it should look like a ruptured Hemorrhoid on ice, but—ironically—that’s exactly what it’ll help you avoid. Happy New Year!
Previously – Girl Eats Food - Yule Log Trio