When All You Want For Christmas Is To Be Safe

Every Sunday at at 8.30 PM you can watch WOMAN on VICELAND. VICE teamed up with feminist activist and writer Gloria Steinem to make this revolutionary show, which explores how violence against woman drives global instability. Sadly, domestic violence is an issue that's way too familiar to us in New Zealand.

It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. For many of us, Christmas brings thoughts of awkward family moments and stuffing our face with pavlova. But for thousands of New Zealand families, there is not much festive about this holiday season.

New Zealand has the worst rate of family violence in the developed world and come December, the number of incidents increases dramatically. Last year Women's Refuge helped out 6000 women and children around New Zealand over the holiday period, up 30 percent on the year before. Those grim numbers are predicted to rise even further this year. What is it about the Christmas and New Year holiday period that brings such an increase in domestic violence? And, importantly, what can we all do to help?

To get an understanding on how and why this could be happening, VICE spoke to a few, brave domestic violence victims on how their season of cheer became a season of fear.

I'm not quite sure if it all does fall down to Christmas does it? I think it's more about parties and the over the top nature of the season. It's ridiculous isn't it? That's not what Christmas is about. I think that in New Zealand there's so much more pressure here at Christmas time because it's also our summer holidays. This means more barbecues, drinking and celebrations, which can just exacerbate a situation.

What happened to me was that my husband at the time was out at a party with his work colleagues; I was at home worried about him. It was 2 AM and I was wondering if he was okay. He came home really late, absolutely drunk out of his mind. I got angry at him for drink-driving and he just was sick and went to bed. This made me even more frustrated so I went over to talk to him. It was then that he turned over and just battered me. He just battered me. Mainly in my back because I curled up in a ball. He said he hadn't come home to hear me nagging him.

To be honest sometimes you think, maybe I shouldn't have nagged him so you take the blame a bit yourself. So I just curled up, cried quietly and definitely didn't say anymore. So that was it.

The next day we were going away to visit his family for Christmas. I went to my Mum's house to say goodbye and she went to give me a Christmas hug and I flinched. To explain, I just said I had a flu coming on. I didn't tell anyone because we were a young married couple and up until then I thought he was the man of my dreams. I remember looking in the mirror Christmas morning and I was all bruised. I thought I shouldn't be in this relationship but he told me that he loved me and it wouldn't happen again. That's when the mental abuse started, which I think was almost much, much worse.

My ex-partner and I would have looked like the perfect couple at Christmas functions to the outside eye. All my friends and co-workers envied our relationship because he was a master of acting. It was when he got me alone, after everyone had left, that the violence began.

Every Christmas was the same, the money was tight and so his stress level was at an all time high. He was utterly convinced every year that I was having too much fun over Christmas. Having too much wine, embarrassing him too much or spending too much of 'his' money on Christmas presents. Spending too much money was a big trigger for his violence. I used to try purchase my family presents in secret but he would go through my things, find out and make me suffer.

For me personally, New Year's was always worse. Possibly because that's when more alcohol was involved. At the last New Year's festival we went to together he shoved me to the ground. He had finally snapped in front of everyone and my friend immediately jumped in. With a sprained ankle and the support of my friend, I found the strength to leave him. That's why I really urge anyone and everyone to never be afraid to ask "are you okay?" to the ones around them. It quite honestly probably saved my life.

I think in New Zealand we have such a "she'll be right" culture, especially among males. This means the uncomfortable things to talk about often get swept under the rug. As for why this all happened at Christmas? I think we all like to pretend that Christmas is this amazing time but in reality it's undeniably stressful. The pressure of money on an already violent relationship is like a ticking time bomb. I've been out of the relationship for two years now but Christmas Day still gives me the shivers.

Christmas time can feel like a landmine if you are in an abusive relationship, as you are constantly anxious about not setting off your partner. With my ex I would be told off for saying something 'wrong' at social occasions and this meant I was always on guard. I remember one Christmas dinner, my ex pulled me aside because I had laughed at a joke, and publicly told me off for laughing. When I tried to walk away he grabbed my arm and pushed in. The message was clear, tow the line or else. While this was happening his family were at the table waiting and could see everything, but no one said a thing.

You see, what you see in public is the tip of the iceberg. At home over the two years we were living together he was very controlling. He persistently called me names, undermined my confidence and after a while he became physically abusive. This crept up on me and the first time it happened I was in complete shock. In that relationship I was constantly on edge, as anything could cause him to snap. He once hit my leg because of something I did on the computer. I wasn't aware of how stressed I was at the time, but now Christmas and other events are so much better. It's a chance to celebrate with family and friends, rather than be silenced and restricted.

If you see people at Christmas events and something isn't right, speak up and find a quiet time to check in with them. It may feel uncomfortable, but you are saying that this behaviour isn't okay and that's important. It's incredibly powerful for the person in the abusive relationship to see this, as it validates their concerns. If someone does open up to you, be patient and supportive. Leaving is more complex and difficult than you could even imagine.

Where to get help:

Shine

Women's Refuge

Watch WOMAN on VICELAND, Sky Channel 13, Sundays at 8.30 PM. 

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