Whatever your thoughts on Scott Walker's political career may be, it's simply an undeniable truth that if his social media feeds are to serve as evidence, Wisconsin's standing governor might be the most boring man in America. Hell, if Dave Barry, a pair of Old Navy khakis, and Microsoft's Clippy got together and somehow gave birth to a human baby, that baby would grow up to be Scott Walker.
Of course, Scott Walker sure doesn't think he's all that boring. After all, how on earth could a grown man who proudly claims to have eaten roughly two ham and cheese sandwiches every day for the last 26 years not be considered a renaissance man of the highest order?
A recent article in Wired pointed out that evidence of Walker's magnificent monotony is nowhere more apparent than in the void of blandness that is the politician's Instagram account. There, one can find enthralling posts ranging from a still life of a glass of milk to a plane's emergency exit sign.
Even when Walker decides to cut loose and let down his hair with a visit to Cold Stone Creamery, the man steers clear of anything that could even remotely be considered indulgent and opts for a singular scoop of vanilla ice cream devoid of any distracting mix-ins or toppings.
After Walker's Instagram was called out as being the monument of mundanity it so painfully is, the governor responded by posting a can of Miller Lite on his Instagram accompanied by this caption: "For those in the liberal media who don't like my Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter, I have a simple response: Can I get you a beer?"
Did he really think that would be enough to rehabilitate his image and transform him into the gubernatorial equivalent of Aleister Crowley? Of course not! That's why he also posted a riveting photo of some cheese curds.
When several comments criticized the beer post, saying Walker could at least have posted something a bit more personality-laden—like one of Wisconsin's countless acclaimed craft beers—Walker responded by taking the suggestion, and posting three bottles of beer from Wisconsin, including a Spotted Cow.
Not exactly earth-shattering as a culinary matter, but considering that his social media feeds are typically less stimulating than watching paint dry, we should probably consider ourselves pretty lucky.
Walker's son opined that his dad isn't boring—he's just a nice guy. Alex Walker tweeted, "When they give me the middle finger, I reply with two thumbs up."
It takes a hell of a lot of courage to be so damn boring that you legitimately convince yourself a shitty light beer and a wad of cheese curds is what anybody on Earth would consider to be exhilarating, and for that we salute you, Mr. Walker. We salute you.