Taste Test: Peanut Butter and Dick Jelly

If there’s anything I hate more than dry genitals, it’s dry genitals that taste like dry genitals.

May 29, 2012, 4:00am

Someone recently asked me if I have a disorder that makes me want to eat weird/gross things. At first I was all, “Weirdness is subjective. Just because you think frying up a little vaginal discharge for an afternoon snack is gross doesn’t mean everyone does.” But the more I think about it, I’m not so sure.

This morning, for instance, I ate a bunch of flavored lube because I wanted to know if any of them were as delicious as the fruits and, in one case, alcoholic beverage, they claim to represent. I also paired my lubes with some of my favorite foods, thinking the contrast between a well-known taste and a totally unknown one would make the latter really sing on my palate.

So yes, maybe I have a compulsion to eat weird things, but only so that you don’t have to!

Flavor #1 Strawberry

This being the first tasting, I’ll admit there were some naïve thoughts running through my head while squirting the lube packet onto the bread. “Mmmm peanut butter and strawberry jam, a childhood classic,” I thought. I was expecting this to taste a lot like a normal PB&J—just more intense and with a slightly larger libido. I was wrong. The lube tasted like lip-gloss from the dollar store, but the peanut butter was (thankfully) the dominant flavor. It was like a peanut-butter-poison-treat-snack.

Flavor #2 Raspberry

Up next was this little cutie packet from Dickalicious. As opposed to other types of lube, this one is strictly designed for dinks and only dinks. So, I guess this isn’t really “lube” per say, but I ate it anyway. And sweet Jesus it was delicious. This stuff tasted exactly like candy. It was like Sweet Tarts mixed with plastic mixed with minty, stinging sensations. The only downside came later when I tried to rinse my mouth out and for some reason started gagging uncontrollably. Too much bullshit going on in my mouth, I guess.

Flavor #3 Strawberry-Kiwi

Right off the bat, let me just say: I’ll drink my piss 100 more times before ever sucking on one of these things again. Ew! Strawberry-kiwi flavored lube? Why does it exist? This was by far the worst. I couldn’t even swallow it. I refused to take another bite. Maybe it had something to do with the build-up from the previous two taste tests, but I’m pretty positive that strawberry-kiwi lube is secretly meant to kill people. POISON.

Flavor #4 Cherry

At this point I had to change things up. Instead of using peanut butter sandwiches as a base, I decided to get a little crafty and make a Black Forest lube cake!

This was a nice break. The chocolate cake masked all of the lube flavor, even though I used the whole packet. It was exactly like eating a very greasy, lube-y cake with just the slightest bouquet of non-toxic chemicals. I also burped and it tasted like fruit punch. Mmmm.

Flavor #5 Banana

This one was another Dickalicious packet, which means party time. I decided to go back to the peanut butter sandwich format because I heard that Elvis Presley was really into the banana/peanut butter combo and this was sort of like taking my Elvis imitation to the next level with imitation Elvis food. Ahhhh, I’m so deep.

This was the first one I encountered that actually tasted slightly like the fruit it was mimicking. Again, it tasted like candy, but I still don’t understand why anyone would use this. What’s so boring about sucking on a dick au naturel? No one actually uses this shit, right?

Flavor #6 Passion Fruit

For some reason I thought passion fruit flavor would blend well with almond butter. I was kind of right. This flavor did justice to the fruit it was trying to imitate. Unfortunately, the fruit it’s based on is pretty shitty. The first thing I thought of while chewing was “robust/rustic.” That would be the best way to describe this one for sure. I guess if you’re really into sucking passion fruit dick, this lube would be the guy for you.

Flavor #7 Melon

Olivia, our Canadian fashion blogger, cringed when I told her I was mixing edible lube with peanut butter. “Why not use cucumber?” she said. What? Cucumber? “Yeah, you know, because it’s, like, fresh…” This made perfect sense, and to be honest, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of using the old welfare dildo as a base already. So I doused a cuc in melon-flavored lube and chomped down. It was horrific. Probably the worst out of them all—maybe not the strawberry kiwi, but a pretty close second. Strangely enough, the lube on its own tasted just like butter, so it must have had a negative chemical reaction with the cucumber, because I could’ve sworn I was eating a rotten mango laced with sweaty taint hair.

Flavor #8 Piña Colada

Seven packets of lube later and I was finally down to the last one. I couldn’t really fathom pairing the piña colada flavor with anything else, so I decided to just drink it like a regular ol’ PC. Mmmmññññññ! Lucky for me it actually turned out to be the best one! Like floating down a sexy river with a delicious frozen cocktail after a long day of eating lube. What a desert!

So, I guess the conclusion here is quite obvious: Learn how to get your own genitals wet or choose the flavored lubricant inspired by a refreshing Puerto Rican cocktail.

You are welcome.