Sure the holidays sound fun, but what about the terrifying reality? The constant eating and drinking, the sequinned outfits, the Family Appropriate small talk… and that's not even considering the most difficult part: presents. Gift-giving is a storied tradition and a complete trap. Rather than spend another year groping blindly for a gift that will tell the people in your life what they mean to you, why not let this scientifically perfect gift guide do the work for you? Here's what to get for literally everyone you know:
Magazines will tell you to get him an expensive gadget. Worse magazines will suggest to you that, hint hint, you're the real present, why don't you dress up in a little outfit so he can look at you like the present you are? Do not dress up in a little outfit for Christmas. Dress up in outfits all throughout the year as part of a mutually sexy good time that doesn't involve you being a gift for someone unless that is a mutually agreed upon part of it. Do not get your boyfriend a drone for Christmas. They are expensive and creepy and what if he falls in love with it instead of you? Do not get your boyfriend whiskey stones for Christmas—your boyfriend has a girlfriend precisely because he is not the kind of person who uses whiskey stones. This holiday season, get classic with a simple, high-quality scarf.
You two have known each other for years. You've been through it all together, and you know her well enough to know that she'd rather light herself on fire than receive a photo collage of the two of you as a gift. Don't you dare get her friendship necklaces, you are grown-ass adults. If you personalize a mug for her, she will ruin it in the dishwasher. If you get her a "You Can't Spin With Us" novelty tank top you will, correctly, be murdered. And don't get her a fancy scented candle either: that shit is personal. Instead, why not get her something as elegant and warm as she is: a big old scarf.
Do not get your boyfriend a drone for Christmas.
The Bodega Clerk Who Never Judges You
She knows you—the real you, the "cereal and a beer at 3am on a Sunday" you—better than anyone in the world. And she accepts you just as you are. She always makes your change even with that little take-a-penny dish. You don't know her name, even though she probably knows yours. (She still I.D.s you when you're buying booze, but only when she can tell you've had a bad day and might need it.) Surprise her this holiday season with a non-denominational card (do NOT attempt to guess) and a warm, cozy scarf to give her the hug a thick slab of bulletproof glass forever bars you from giving yourself.
Your Dad's Adult Friend
Look, Sharon finds the holidays stressful. She's already overthinking the gift she got you and is preoccupied with making sure you know she'll never try to replace your mom, who is a very special lady. Don't make her worry about neck temperature regulation as well! Get her a scarf.
It can be hard to connect with your elderly loved ones, so the ideal gift is something that shows you care that they're still here. Grandparents have notoriously vulnerable necks, and nursing homes are drafty: this scarf gift is a matter of life and death.
Your Cousin Who's Going Through A Phase
He thinks he's so counter-culture, like he knows all the tricks of Big Scarf and the deleterious effect of the industry on sheep populations. Fine, Kevin. Fine. But have you ever thought hard about the concept of… infinity? (During the inevitable lecture about "time as a capitalist illusion" that follows, slowly wrap Kevin's head in an infinity scarf. Kevin will appreciate it when he needs something to hide his hickeys next Christmas.)
That Barista You Took A Risk and Gave Your Number To (Who Never Called)
It's very weird that you insist on getting this barista a present—like, take the hint already. OR hint to her that you're still interested with a functional-enough-to-be-friendly, soft-enough-to-hint-at-something-more winter scarf.
Your Sister's Boyfriend
The only thing you know about this guy is that he presumably has sex with your sister. Don't overthink it: get him a scarf.
Your Terrifying Downstairs Neighbor
One scarf, please! Because it's harder to yell "I'LL KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU!!" when your mouth is muffled by a thick but cheap poly-wool blend.
The Priest at the Church Your Mom Makes You Go To Twice a Year
Why are congregants exchanging gifts mid-service? Who knows. What Would Jesus Do? Give a priest a scarf!
Lenny Kravitz's only Christmas wish is for an even bigger scarf.
Underpaid Laborer at a Scarf Factory
Ugh, Kevin, go home.