For those that are unaware, Electric Zoo is an annual music festival held on Randall's Island in New York City that's been going since that halcyon year for electronic music, 2009. It occurs on something called "Labor Day Weekend", which I think is when Americans celebrate the many hours of pelvis cracking childbirth all our mothers have to endure at some point. We salute you, "moms"!
Acts set to play at this years EDM weekend getaway include Chase and Status, Sasha, Pete Tong, Netsky, David Guetta and Knife Party. But last year tragedy struck the festival. The last day of Electric Zoo 2013 was cancelled after two people died as a result of hyperthermia, a condition in which the body produces or absorbs more heat that it dissipates. A post-mortem found both attendees had ingested MDMA.
This is, of course, a terrible thing, and highlights the risks of buying unsolicited drugs from strangers who still wear New Era caps. Electric Zoo had to do something to make sure people are aware that MDMA (or "Molly') is totally not cool and getting hammered to the point of unconsciousness and involuntary excavation of the stomach is much, much better for you. To illustrate this, they've made a video highlighting the dangers of the love drug. It doesn't quite do what it's supposed to, however.
Ok, first of all, there's too many people at this fucking thing. Whether you're high or not isn't going to matter cuz, if you're cramped in between two dudes called Dakota and Jason (or Jace) giving you tinnitus by screeching 'Woo' in your ear, you're going to wish you were overheating to the point of death.
Here comes the primary antagonist of our cautionary tale: The Girlfriend. God, aren't girlfriends lame?! They never do fun shit like roll or sweat or listen to this bomb-ass Wolfgang Gartner DJ set. They just wanna hold hands and look into your eyes and pressurise your spine while they're on your shoulders. Here she comes, striding along, captain save-a-bro, here to ruin another night. Man, chicks SUCK! Also this guy in the vest is not into this at all, probably because someone put a bracelet of those horrible chalky sweets on his wrist.
"How sick is this show?!" says our protagonist, before mashing his digit in a wrap of mandy and aggressively brushing his teeth with it. She doesn't know it yet, but he's about to be really, really happy and content with the world around him and pleased to be in the company of other human beings. She better watch the fuck out.
Mr. Molly has suddenly become drenched head to toe in sweat now, as the effects of riotously gumming crystals of MDMA are instantaneous, as we all know. He demands to know if she wants to 'roll' as well. She declines. BO-RING.
Here the big man appears to just neck a pill, followed by some much needed water. Unnecessary to say the least, but shit, this is Electric Zoo, brah, we don't do things by halves here, brah, especially not mollytablets.
After asking fucking Tipper Gore over here if they're going to hook up later, pill dude shakes her hand pretty aggressively. Woah there, Casanova! Just cuz you're a drugged up loon doesn't give you the right to shake that ladies hand! What's next? You gonna have a few beers, do a fat line of coke and grab some poor girl's butt and nips like you're on a Japanese rush hour subway, huh?
"These lights are insane! These beats are sick! UNH! UNH! UNH!" our jazzy companion exclaims. "I'm so stoked to be here right now! Are you vibing? Are you with me?" Hold on, I thought this was meant to be an anti-MD PSA? This guy is having the fucking time of his life right now. I'm sat here on my bed taking screenshots of YouTube videos, I'd much prefer to be chewing the inside of my mouth off in New York.
He lifts her up and spins, like a figure skater, in the middle of the dancefloor. Needless to say, she's pissed. She offers him water, she offers to go get his friends, but he's not interested, he's vibing out, the beats, he says, the beats! They're so sick! The beats are sick and he doesn't give a fuck! I love you, Dad! I forgive you! Oh, beautiful world!
Now, this image looks like he's about to tear her head from her shoulders, but actually he's just saying she has beautiful hair, and that he'd like to wrap it around his face, like a waterfall. That's the kind of pretty, happy, silly thing people say when they're high as fuck. It's not disconcerting, it's funny. If she was high too she'd love it too, but no, the only thing high about this negative Nancy is her moral ground.
Here Nancy is seen sort of reversing away from MD dude, like Homer when he slides backwards into those bushes in the episode Homer Loves Flanders. She's repulsed by his excessive sweating and nonsensical jibber jabber about vibes and beats. She's had enough. She exits stage left.
But our buddy's not done yet, he's partying on. But something's happening. He's disorientated. He's spinning out. Most of all he's hot, burning up. How's he gonna get home, he wonders? Why's it so hot? It's probably cuz you're around fifty thousand other people expelling their body heat, bro, I wouldn't get too worried about it. But it's too late, the demon molly has got its rainbow claws in his supple grey matter and is ready to ruin his night.
And then quiet. He's on his own. Surrounded by blackness. This rave is slowly turning into his grave. It's like the last episode of The Sopranos. Our hero has been shot in the back of the head by a Slimer-from-Ghostbusters-shaped pill, and he didn't even eat all of his onion rings.
A message displays at the end, "Don't miss the moment", but to be honest, this guy seemed to have had a way better moment than anyone around him. He was wilin' out, loving the beats, loving the vibes, though not entirely sure what either of those things were. He was having fun, loving life, loving people, loving hair on his face like a waterfall, and he was trying to share it with everyone. But, like John Coffey, the world wasn't ready for him, and his premature demise will haunt us forever. Do us all a favour when you go to Electric Zoo this Labor Day Weekend, friends, don't swallow any molly. The world doesn't want you to be beautiful.
PS don't forget to thank your mother for farting you out, you really owe her one for that.
Follow Joe Bishop on Twitter here: @joe_bish