If Only Egypt Made More Movies about Terrorism and Kebab

I’m equal parts pissed and glad that the Middle Eastern movie, Where Do We Go Now? came out of Lebanon and not Egypt. The movie, which recently debuted in the US, is the Middle Eastern equivalent of The Avengers—minus awesome special effects, a huge budget, and superhero characters, of course. The plot follows both Muslim and Christian women around a small village as they try to keep their men from starting a religious war. It’s a comedy. Or some sort of self-deprecating satire. Or a brilliant way to point out all-things-fucked in the Middle East. Don’t let the Rotten Tomatoes reviews fool you, the film is getting all kind of praise—like the Oscar-indicating People’s Choice Award at the Toronto Film Festival. Not to mention, an Arab woman made the film. Swoon.

Films like this can’t be made in Egypt. Adel Imam, the last guy in in the country to craft clever movies criticizing the role of religion and politics, got locked up on the charge of “offending Islam,” whatever the fuck that means. (Side note: Adel Imam is a practicing Muslim.) The auteur was sentenced to three months in jail for his films Morgan Ahmed Morgan, El Erhabi as well as my personal favorite, El Erhab wel Kebab.

El Erhab wel Kebab literally translates to “Terrorism and Kebab,” but you can just call it one of the greatest movies of all time. It’s funny, political, and, unlike most great films, it’ll make you hungry.. The story’s protagonist, Ahmed (played by Adel Imam), wants to switch his kids to a different school district and has to visit El Mogamma, the largest government building in Cairo, a Kafkaesque nightmare of a place overflowing with freshly unshowered misery in human form. But Ahmed is patient and waits his turn only to be received by a lazy government worker, who is avoiding work through prayer. (Allah frowns upon productivity.) Living out the majority of the Egyptian population’s fantasy, Ahmed pulls a gun from a guard in the middle of a quarrel and is mistakenly identified as a terrorist. He takes the building under siege, but the only thing he wants for his “hostages” is kebab—since red meat comes as often as Ramadan for the Egyptian people.

Terrorism and Kebab had it all: A political undertone criticizing the government’s lack of structure and religiosity, humor coupled with a lovable protagonist, and even dinner recipes. “Egyptwood” doesn’t make them like it used to, and it especially won’t be able to now that an Islamist-dominated parliament has just introduced a bill to censor the film industry even more (Allah apparently also frowns against people kissing and hugging on-screen). So instead of groundbreaking films like Terrorism and Kebab, all we’ll be left with are Egyptian remakes of wack American movies.

I evaluated five Egyptian remakes against their American originals. Surprisingly, in some of these films, Egyptwood can outwit Hollywood. Sure all the women characters have single-digit IQs and your middle school A/V club could’ve done a better job with the special effects. But, once you get past all of that, some Egyptian remakes do provide an undeniable oomph missing from the American originals. Some, of course, make me want to run crying as if my country’s lack of creativity just punched me in my slightly bigger boob.

Egyptian: El Hob Kida vs. American: Are We There Yet?

Synopsis: I can’t believe the original version of this movie was even made, let alone retold years later in Arabic. The Egyptian incarnation of Are We There Yet surprisingly manages to one up the shittiness of the original by being a musical. I would rather listen to Ice Cube fart his outdated raps from his crusty asshole into a microphone than watch the government-friendly, family-fun, goblet-of-shit this musical turned out to be.

Spoiler Alert: This movie fucking sucks.

Oomph Factor: Anyone who refused to give up money, time, or sanity to see this movie. (See above about the movie fucking sucking.)

Egyptian: Al Jeans vs. American: Pretty Woman

Synopsis: The Egyptians couldn’t even come up with an original movie poster idea. The plot is exactly the same as the original. “Al Jaens” verbatim translates to “The Jeans.” And if you speak like an illiterate Arab and can’t pronounce soft G’s, “El Gens” translates to “AIDS,” or what you’ll eventually get if you fuck a prostitute. Which leaves you with a markedly different sentiment than the happily-ever-after delusions Julia Roberts fed young, impressionable American minds in the 90s with Pretty Woman.

Spoiler alert: The rich, handsome—and oddly chivalrous—millionaire falls in love with the idea of trading bodily fluids with hundreds of strangers, forever distorting the image of true love for women across the globe.

Oomph Factor: Dick, err, Richard and Julia can suck it. At least when our guy gets a blowjob, he knows it might be coming with the sweet possibility of a life-threatening illness.

Egyptian: Nems Bond vs. American: Austin Powers

Synopsis: Nems Bond wanted to be a James Bond remake when it grew up, but they had no money. It wanted the car explosions. It wanted the three-letter-acronym special effects like CGI. It wanted the hot babes in bikinis. (Actually, it has hot babes—brown is the new blond, in case you haven’t seen Nadine Labaki—but they trade their bikinis for suggestively short skirts.)  But a low budget forced it to settle for a half-comedy with no real substance. Sorry Egyptian cinema, satire needs a point of reference, and the only point of reference here is being fucking lame.

Spoiler Alert: There was no room in the budget for fembots either.

Oomph Factor: My country fails me. Foxxy Cleopatra beats out Cleopatra’s descendants.

Egyptian: Bali Balek vs. American: Face/Off

Synopsis: Let me preface this with a fun fact: I hate Nicholas Cage. I’d say he was mediocre but that would be a compliment. He has one acting face on all the time—douche. So, the fact that I hate Bali Balek the Egyptian remake of the Face/Off says a lot. Of course, Egyptian cinema lacked the technology or, um, creativity, to show a face transplant in a movie. So budget constraints twisted the plot into a comedy about a brain transplant, which doesn’t make any fucking sense and it’s also stealing—DOUBLE-STEALING—a fictional plot of a soap opera that is featured in an American sitcom. (I’m talking about when Joey from Friends plays a character on Days of our Lives, who becomes “Jessica” after a brain transplant.)

Spoiler Alert: No John Travolta either.

Oomph Factor: I’ll give it to douche-face.

Egyptian: Morgan Ahmed Morgan vs. American: Rodney Dangerfield’s Back to School

Synopsis: This is one case where the Egyptian remake of this movie is much better than the original. This was one of the movies listed in Adel Imam’s horrid crimes against Islam charge. It’s not exactly the same movie. Adel Imam plays a corrupt and illiterate businessman—because everyone in Egypt has come across at least three of these guys—who goes back to college to get a degree. The movie has oodles of cultural undertones, like the rich and ignorant have more control in the country than anyone is willing to admit.

Spoiler Alert: The character graduates but the actor goes to jail. Irony ensues.

Oomph Factor: Duh, Egypt. Rodney, you get no respect for a reason. Adel Imam goes to jail because our version is so “offensive.” Did Rodney Dangerfield ever go to prison for his art?

Follow Angelina Fanous on Twitter: @NotSoVanilla