If there are two things I’ve learned working as a Private Investigative Journalist, it’s that Texas Toast is just regular toast sliced twice as thick, and you can’t escape your past. No matter how many rocks you stuff into its pockets before dumping it into a pond, the past floats. And so does Texas Toast, because it’s sliced so thick. Sure, a duck might come by and eat a slice of Texas Toast floating in a pond. But a duck can’t eat the past.It was a Friday night. The charcoal clouds over New York were pissing on the city like they’d been waiting in line for the bathroom at Terminal 5 for like an hour. Some acquaintances and I were sitting around in the drawing room drinking gimlets while listening to our friend Meghan recount her experiences at Coachella. At the time, I was lost in thought, thinking about a lot of things that I think about which are none of your damn business, so this was what I heard her saying.“Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet Radiohead, consectetuer adipiscing elit Tupac Hologram, sed diam nonummy The Rapture. Seriously, guys.”She really made us tune in when she said this, and then talked about how rad The Rapture was live. “Never heard of ‘em,” I lied in lieu of venturing an opinion. Big mistake. She touched the glossy screen of an iPhone that was docked in some speakers and started blaring “How Deep Is Your Love?”That damn song. There was something about it that just struck me as, I don’t know, suspicious. I was hell bent on getting to the bottom of it. So I went on a daring-as-shit adventure that involved picking locks and bullets and DNA samples and forged passports and six femmes, four of which you might describe as fatale. I did a lot of illegal stuff to obtain the information that you’re about to see, so I can’t really go into details, but that’s what a good Private Investigative Journalist does to get his story. You better sit down, because your ass is about to be fact-smacked.THE RAPTURE IS DRU HILL IN DISGUISE.
“How Deep Is Your Love?” Well, I found out, and it goes deeper than you could ever imagine. “How Deep Is Your Love?” was Dru Hill’s smash hit from 1998. Take a look at this music video with intercut scenes from Rush Hour. Pay close attention to Jackie Chan’s moves, because I used a lot of the same ones to obtain this information.Now for biggest of all the kahunas. Listen to The Rapture’s “How Deep Is Your Love?” Recognize that melody in the chorus? Yeah. You do. It’s the same melody from the chorus of "The Thong Song" by Sisqo, who is THE LEAD SINGER OF DRU HILL.I had, like, a bunch more evidence to prove The Rapture’s dirty secret was the truth, but it all went up in flames during the fire at the mannequin factory, and it was either grab the evidence, or save the orphans.Tune in next week when I find out that Dru Hill is actually The Bee Gees in disguise.@theringadingkid
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