Cats aren't meant to live long because they're basically useless. I have two cats, and even though I really like them, I often look at them and think about how pointless they are. All they do is kind of walk around a little and then drop to the ground and lie there. They walk really close to the ground and sort of keel over and stare into nothing. It's like they're depressed.
Tell all that to my boy Scooter, though, who turned 30 recently and is now officially the oldest cat in the fucking world. The Texan Siamese was born in 1986—that's the same year as Drake, Megan Fox, and the year of the Challenger space shuttle disaster. Truly, this cat has seen it all.
Scooter has usurped the oldest cat throne from a feline called Corduroy, who is only 26. Though Scooter is currently the world's oldest living cat, he's not quite the oldest cat ever—that title which goes to fellow Texan Crème Puff, who died in 2005 at the ripe old age of 38.
Like all beings who live a long and storied life, Scooter has seen some shit. His mother died when he was only four months old, and he broke his leg during his late 20s, but he has managed to soldier on. Here's to another 30, Scoot.