Other Places in London that Should Close Based on the Number of Deaths There

As you will know, Fabric was formally shut down by Islington Borough Council in the early hours of Wednesday morning. This is, obviously, bad: a decision made by councillors from distant London boroughs based on the tragic drug deaths of two young people, pinned to the club (and club culture as a whole) and used as a stick to beat them into closure, Fabric so obviously earmarked by someone with a vested interest to be turned into Yet More Superflats, and London nightlife suffers another wound, what feels like a fatal one now, and lo, we will look back on this moment in the decades to come as being one of the milestones in the death of the capital.

But enough of that! Let's instead squint a little closer at the numbers, as many people on Twitter already have: since the club opened in 1999, there have been six accidental deaths on or around Fabric's premises, with two coming in quick succession this year (both drugs-related: 18-year-old Ryan Browne, in June, and Jack Crossley, also 18, in August). That, Islington Council argues, is why the club had to close: in an official statement made this morning, Fabric's license was revoked on the terms that "people entering the club were inadequately searched" and that searches by the club's security staff were "inadequate and in breach of the license".

As the Independent reports, this comes off the back of a police project called 'Operation Lenor' (I mean, fucking hell, the police) (Lenor.) that went undercover in the club to find patrons clearly on drugs or audibly asking for drugs in the smoking area; it also, as club co-founder Cameron Leslie told the Guardian earlier this week, comes after a weird U-turn in the police's relationship with Fabric. "We've always had a fantastic relationship with police and particularly the council," Cameron said. "Only eight months ago, a judge tested all our systems and said we're a beacon of best practice. Eleven weeks ago another licensee, from a venue that had a death, was sent to visit us to see how we managed things. How can this suddenly have changed overnight in such a damning way?" Essentially: it's not just the two drugs deaths, is it. That's not the whole story.

Anyway, the question is: where else in London should close down based on being host to two or more accidental deaths? Well, glad you asked. Here's a rough run down:

Since 1981, there have been 12 deaths at the London Marathon: mainly of cardiac arrest based on underlying heart issues, one brain haemorrhage, and one where a man drank too much water and collapsed. Approximately 32,000 people finish the race each year, with a 1 in 67,414 risk of death associated with the event, akin to most daily activities. Still, let's get the police in the shut it down. Never again shall Paula Radcliffe sully the streets with her hateful turds.

Last May, Kuwaiti businessman Sultan Aldabbous was found dead at the Dorchester Hotel a day after checking in to the £2,000-a-night institution, with an inquest finding his death was at least a little bit drugs-related: traces of cocaine, cannabis and rohypnol were found in his blood, while two men were arrested in connection on suspicion of his murder. The previous year, the hotel was targeted twice in smash-and-grab raids by moped-riding gangs, so it's clearly not safe and fit for use. Close the fucker down by appointment from the council, crush it down to dust, build some lifeless £500,000 starter flats over the top of it.

In November 1986, Michael Lush died while rehearsing a bungee jump stunt to be performed on Edmonds' Late, Late Breakfast show, and 30 years later we still allow Edmonds to make TV without the police or council intervening even once. If you figure the number of people going through the doors of Fabric every year – over six million clubbers since it opened in 1999 – compared to the number of Deal or No Deal contestants in the same time period, being on a Noel Edmonds TV show is actually far more dangerous than going to the recently closed club. Let's see the Met Police take that bearded fucker down.

In the past five years, people have died at London gyms after i. drowning in the pool ii. falling off a treadmill iii. getting caught in a falling lift iv. suffering cardiac arrest. With an estimated 800 gyms in the confines of the M25, we are essentially surrounded by really hench death traps. Close them all immediately, put a load of Prets up in their place.

Building site accidents are normally the preserve of fun stories from chalk-faced men in pubs who only have eight remaining fingers, but they frequently result in something more lethal, too: just last year, a builder working on a site in Paddington was killed when a large pane of glass fell and crushed him. The HSE provisionally estimates there were 144 UK-wide building site deaths in 2015/16: if we closed down every building site in London we'd i. finally have a bit of fucking peace and quiet my god will you quit with those drills already ii. stop getting so many office buildings and unaffordable-yet-glossy tower blocks iii. lower the mortality rate.

In the same period since Fabric opened and recorded six related deaths, the Metropolitan police have seen 108 deaths of those in their custody: an average of six per year. If you treat arrested people as per the Deal or No Deal contestants above, it's fair to say there were fewer of them than there were visitors to Fabric in the same time period, i.e. getting detained by the Metropolitan Police is way more likely to result in your death than going to Fabric will. Plan: get the council to shut the police down, turn every police station into a millennial-friendly shareflat complex, rule ourselves in a land of peace and no violence.

More stuff about Fabric closing:

Fabric's Closure Isn't the End, the Fight for UK Nightlife Starts Now

Bass, Raves and Bulletproof Vests: The Early Days of Fabric Nightclub

Our Nightlife Has Been Destroyed By People Who Resent It