The VICE Guide to Social Media Use After a Break-Up

Unless you’re one of the rare folk who’s totally off-grid, it’s likely that social media is well integrated into your life, relationships and mental space. For a lot of us, how we post and present ourselves – and who we connect with online – is already hard to navigate and can sometimes feel unnecessarily overwhelming. But when you throw a break-up in the mix things get even more complicated.

Having the world at your fingertips becomes a whole new ballgame when you’re riding the emotional highs and lows of a broken heart, and even if you’re someone that doesn’t care about your online presence, everything you do or don’t do is still out there to be absorbed and interpreted by your ex. 

You might be getting bombed with messages from a past fling or their besties. You could be taking your vulnerability too far and oversharing information that should stay private. You can find yourself second guessing everything you post, wondering if it makes you look “happy” enough. 

But you can make things a little easier, for yourself and your ex, by setting some digital boundaries. 

Take a break (sorry, we have to say it…)

It's probably unrealistic to tell people these days to stay off social media all together, but it’s the simplest advice out there. If you can bring yourself to cut the cord, try to take a week to yourself and stay away from all the devilish temptations that the internet beholds. But if you find your phone firmly planted in your palm 90 per cent of the time, it’s gonna be a bit more complicated… In which case, read on!  

Block them

Sounds harsh, but it works. If the relationship ended badly then you don't want your ex S/O to have the ability to reach out to you, and hitting that block button across the board is a surefire way of making sure that doesn’t happen. There’s also protecting yourself – you don’t wanna see their stuff all over your feed, and you definitely don’t want to be tempted by the opportunity to message them when you’re feeling vulnerable. 

If your break-up was healthy, blocking your ex can still be a smart thing to do. Even for two people on good terms, it's nearly impossible to immediately transition straight back to a platonic relationship. As relationship expert Eleanor Butterworth told VICE, you “don't want – or need – a front row seat to your ex partner moving on.” 

It's not about shutting down your feelings, or being an asshole to the other person, it’s just having a breather. You can also tell your ex you’re gonna block them and explain why so they’re not confused by your sudden evaporation. 

You’ll know within a few weeks or months if it’s the right choice to permanently leave them blocked, or whether you’re comfortable to be connected again online. 

Mute their stories

At a bare minimum it’s a good idea to mute their stories so that their videos and pics aren’t jump-scaring you multiple times a day. Muting close mutuals also helps to make sure you avoid seeing them all over your feed. And people don’t even know when they’re muted, so you can be in control without having to make a big statement.

Don’t overshare about the break-up

No one needs to know everything you're thinking, so don’t start sharing your innermost feelings about your broken heart online. Rather than shouting into the void and feeling embarrassment or regret later on, tell it to a friend, parent or helpline.  

There are many reasons to avoid oversharing: It’s kind of embarrassing, for you and your ex,  and also annoying for other people to be bombarded with your emotional posts. But, more seriously, posting anything too intense online can also be legitimate cause for concern. You don’t want your auntie calling your mum in a panic because your story makes it sound like you’re about to genuinely do something dangerous. If you’re at the point where you feel like the internet is the only place you can go to unload your emotions, that’s when you most need to pick up the phone and call someone. 

Don’t write mean stuff about your ex 

Not shit talking other people online should seem obvious, but sometimes in the heat of the moment it can be hard to fight the urge. Ultimately, sharing somebody else’s private information or trying to make them sound bad (even if they were bad) only makes you look vindictive and pathetic.

In a space where nothing can really be deleted, and you don’t know who’s screen-shotted or shared what you said, it’s best to say nothing at all. 

If there are issues that need to be worked out between you and your ex, keep those conversations offline and out of the public eye. It’s not for your 400 followers to see. 

Don’t revenge post

Don’t waste your energy trying to look good on the internet for someone else. And definitely don’t go out of your way to post things that will hurt them, even if you hate them. It’s an insidious little circle that will start to eat away at you. The more you concern yourself with whether you look fun/sexy/happy, the more you’re actually just thinking about your ex. 

No amount of “my life is better” stories showing that you’re going out every night – or shacking up with a new hottie – can convince other people or yourself that you’re really okay. It takes more than a well-curated feed to feel good on the inside. 

Don’t change the way you behave online

It can momentarily make you feel better to flex your good life, but there’s a point at which posting gets pathological. Especially if you find yourself compulsively checking who’s seen it and comparing likes and views.

If you’ve already blocked your ex they won't be seeing your posts anyway, but you still might be conscious that your online activities will get back to them through friends. And you might find yourself other thinking about other people’s judgements in the wake of your break-up. But the reality is, 99 per cent of people don’t care. 

It’s a good rule of thumb to basically act like nothing has changed – but that doesn’t mean pretending everything is good. It’s about actually checking your behaviour and making sure your break-up isn’t causing you to act out. 

Keep it lowkey and don’t overthink how you’re coming across on social media. Focus your energy on feeling good in real life and resist the urge to document every interesting looking thing you do. 

Delete your pics

This isn’t a must-do for everyone, but if you find yourself frequently looking back at public pictures and posts, delete or archive them. You don’t need to get rid of them forever, but scrolling through your own feed and reimagining all the good times you had with your ex-partner is something you should completely avoid straight after a break-up. 

Delete any naughty pics 

Owning someone else's nudes becomes super tricky territory when you break-up. The best thing to do is delete them all immediately. You won’t have the temptation to look back at them, and most importantly you won’t have the opportunity to share them with anyone else in moments of spite. 

Image based abuse is a serious crime in Aotearoa, and any saucy pic is legally considered legitimate revenge porn as soon as that image or video is shared without the sober – and ongoing – consent of the person in it, even if the picture was taken or initially sent by the person themselves. And, ideally, it shouldn’t take the possibility of legal repercussions to stop you from sharing other peoples nudes. It’s not an okay thing to do, as a joke, as revenge, for any reason at all. 

Put your phone on Airplane Mode when you go out drinking

The simplest way to prevent yourself from drunk calling, messaging or posting anything risque when you’ve had a few too many is to not give your drunken brain the chance to do it in the first place. You have three good options: Putting your phone on Airplane Mode, deleting your social media apps for the night, or swapping phone’s with a friend (which means you can still contact each other).

Starting a belligerent Instagram Live or finding out in the morning you had a tragic phone conversation is a one way ticket to the Sunday scaries. Thinking ahead and taking away your ability to use your apps drunk is the best way of protecting yourself from making bad decisions when you’re in an emotionally heightened state. 

Look at uplifting memes 

Sometimes a simple meme is all it takes. Stay away from Relationship Tok and R/AskReddit rabbit holes and make sure that when you are online whatever you’re watching/listening to/consuming is making you feel better not worse. 

Leave the dating apps alone for a few weeks

You don't need rebound sex while you’re going through peak sadness. You might want it, you might organically end up having it, but when you’re fresh in your break up it’s most likely not gonna feel good to go out of your way looking for sexual and romantic attention. 

Give it at least a week before you start rebound dating online. Your Hinge match doesn’t wanna deal with you crying at 3am because you’ve realised how much you miss the way your ex’s bed smells. 

Take a break… again

I know we said taking a break isn’t realistic… But we’re still gonna tell you to do it. Maybe removing yourself from social media felt like too much at first – but a few weeks of seeing your ex on a Northland roadie in all their mates stories or exclusively watching happy couples renovating their NYC apartments on TikTok might have made you realise it’s time to step away from the apps. 

You don’t have to quit everything. You don’t have to go off grid. Just make sure each day you’re not spending all your time staring down the barrel of your phone. Check your screen time, and let the blood chilling shock of how long you spend online encourage you to go outside, touch grass, see friends, and indulge in a good meal.

Getting through a break-up is about so much more than making one change or having one healthy development. How you interact with the internet is important, and doing it well will really help in the long run. But how you’re looking after yourself in real life is so much more important. Make sure you’re having conversations with friends and mentors about how you’re coping. Ask others to keep your behaviour accountable. Don’t lean too heavily on your vices. Cry, run, dance, draw, write, do what you need to do to feel something. And trust us, eventually you’ll get through it.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.